Archive | May, 2012

A Public Service Announcement

31 May

A reminder to every person on the face of the earth – Never ask a Woman if she’s pregnant. Ever. I don’t care if I hit you in the back with my huge hard 9 month baby bump, don’t ask. Even if my baby kicks you from inside my womb, keep it zipped. There is nothing worse than someone asking if your pregnant when your not. Especially when you haven’t been to the gym all week or done a single sit-up.
I am also new to the flirting patterns of Dads. But, if you find yourself looking for an opening line, do not try, “Are you expecting again?”


Has anyone ever asked you if you were pregnant and you weren’t?

My Gut-o-meter Is Broken

31 May

I am driving myself insane. Not only are my kids pushing me to the brink of insanity, I am now scooting myself towards a strait jacket. I seem to be having some serious issues making decisions lately. I’m not sure if it’s sleep deprivation clouding my mind or the utter chaos surrounding me. I go over these scenarios in my head over and over again each one trying to predict the future. In certain situations I am totally a gut instinct girl. For example, when HB asks if we can get a puppy, that is clearly a no frickin’ way. The last thing I need is another thing (no matter how cute) that pees, poops and runs around tearing the house up. Or when the husband suggests that we take a family vacation to a faraway locale, again, an instant gut reaction, no frickin’ way.
The decisions I’m struggling with just don’t seem to be moving to my gut, they are stuck in the hamster wheel of my head. Should the twins go to school 2, 3, or 5 half days in September? Are they acting like wild monkeys because they need less Mommy more school? Do I need a housekeeper/helper more than I need a part time nanny at this point? Is this just the terrible two’s paired with a precocious 5 year old or do we need a major schedule shift? Should I move to The Valley, The OC, somewhere where kids actually play on the street? Am I supposed to still be in survival mode or should I be past that?
I am not so confused as to think that in the grand scheme of life that these are serious issues. I am aware of what real “real” parenting issues are. I thank G-D that these are the types of dilemmas I’m faced with. But currently telling myself that at least we have a roof over our heads and food on the table is not making me any less neurotic.
So, I’m going to leave it up to you ladies and gentlemen – What are the answers I seek oh wise readers. Please help a Motha out. I may be asking a bunch of random strangers reading this for advice but until my gut kicks in, it can’t hurt…


Tiffany Blue and Poop

30 May

Every morning I am awoken by the desperate screams of my offspring. You would think that they were sleeping in beds with rattle snakes and just realized it. The thing is that no matter how many years it goes on you just never get use to it. If you think an alarm clock is jolting, you should hear my twins scream at 6am and my 5 year old list all her ailments.
The good news is that every once in awhile the kiddies like to mix it up a bit. The screaming wasn’t too intense this glorious morning. Yet of course there was a catch. The catch? Poop. Smeared all over TR’s naked body, her crib sheets, crib, the wall, everything. You name it, she had slimed it. Her diaper had been flung across the room and I will spare the details on the smell of the place. Why did I bother finding the perfect Tiffany blue paint for the nursery walls to only have them covered in crap, literally? Her twin brother stood in his crib laughing and jumping up and down like he was watching the best show ever. It was like a reenactment from a Nat Geo documentary I saw once.
On the up side they say this is a sign of potty training readiness. That’s exactly what I wanted to do right now, potty train the twins. It might be a Xanax kind of day.


Some readers have asked me when and where I blog from. Today I am writing from the Coffee Bean parking lot at Palms and Sepulveda with the twins in their carseats drinking chocolate milks. Living the glamorous life.

Beverly Hills BBQ Bees and Blood

29 May

While the rest of the world is rejoicing that it’s a long weekend, I am weeping. I spent this long weekend, which was indeed looooong keeping my children out of burning pits of fire and open bodies of water. Basically barbecues have become my third worst mini-nightmare involving the kids. My first being a long airplane flight and my second, finding out that I’m pregnant with twins again. I am taking all precautions to avoid more babies and airplane rides, but barbecues? How does a family living in Beverly Hills, the land of sprawling backyards and Olympic size swimming pools avoid going to outdoor soirees? How was I to know that T and J were determined to wreak havoc on the mainstay of California Summer life?
We went to two gatherings this weekend. At our second backyard BBQ there were actually bees, blood and vomit involved. Quite frankly I’m still recovering from it, so let’s just discuss BBQ#1.
At the first house we went to I figured we would be fine, there were enough distractions there that the twins wouldn’t even notice the pool. My friend MB never throws a half ass party, her small get togethers always involve bounce houses, photo booths and catering. But of course my two year olds who can’t swim or go in the water because of TR’s newly placed ear tubes were not satisfied with the bouncy or the tree house with slides and swings. they were determined to get in that pool no matter what it took. If you could just take a moment to imagine me standing in front of the pool – knees wide and bent, arms outstretched in full goalie position. This is how I spent most of our time at the party, in this stance saying repeatedly, “No water, no water, no water, no water.” I managed to keep the twins out of the pool. Everyone in attendance may never speak to me again after seeing the true lunatic Mother of 3 that I am. Did I mention that all my kids refused to eat normal food and had ice cream and cake for Lunch and TR may have drank vodka thinking it was water?
If they ever invite us back it will be because my friend has a heart of gold and because we brought fancy French cookies.


Would you be brave enough to invite my crew to a barbecue at our house?  Tell the truth.

The Avengers On Acid

25 May

I went to go see Marvel’s Avengers in 3D last night with the spouse.  To say that I’m not really a comic book type girl would be an understatement. Although there was a time in College when I had a Girls Kick Ass sticker on the back of my SUV and wore a Wonder Woman shrunken tee.  I went in knowing the basics about all the characters, The Hulk, Captain America, Thor, and the others I jut used context clues and figured it out. It’s a pretty non super hero following friendly film. Even though aliens, heroes, and bombs are not my thing I still enjoyed it. There were even points when I was looking at Scarlett Johansson and thinking, I could totally shoot a weapon like that and kick alien butt. I guess, Zumba and the elliptical make me feel qualified to be a super spy. I also strongly believe that Mark Ruffalo was put in the movie just for myviewing pleasure. I made a vow about 10 seconds into his first scene that I will see every single movie that man ever makes for the rest of his life. Because of his astonishing acting skills, of course. Robert Downey Jr. was hilarious, but when I look at him my first thought is, I really really hope he stays off the crack and my second thought is how good he looks for an older guy in tight fitted clothing.

I left the movie realizing how much I truly miss the movie going experience. Even though I have seen a dozen studio lots and I know all about special effects, I still enjoy the ride. I also decided that 3-D is definitely not my thing. I was actually panicked and had to practice deep breathing for the first 5 minutes, then I was nauseous through the first half of the movie and left the theater with a monster head ache. If  I were the type of person who had ever tried acid in high school, I would say that the 3-D adventure must be quite similar to what it would be like for me, just a crazy guess. The last decision I made was that I need to keep going to the gym everyday. Even though I will never be as ripped as any of those actors, I am paying a bloody fortune at my gym and I am going to get my money’s worth trying to look like a super hero.


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