The Education of an Uncle

16 May

Today’s guest post comes special from my younger brother Jon Gluck who took to his laptop on Monday following a weekend I don’t think he’ll soon forget :)

It began like any other day. Wake up, grab coffee, go to work, etc. But one phone call changed everything. My oldest sister Leslie had a small request: would I be willing to spend some time with the twins on Sunday while she, along with her hardworking hubby and their precious firstborn, took a well-deserved weekend off in Palm Springs? “Of course,” I dutifully replied. I told myself going in, “how bad could two twenty pound tikes who don’t speak a word of human really be?” I reassured my inner Jon that “you’ve fought real battles in your day and these couple of poop generating angel lookalikes can’t possibly defeat you.”

I was wrong.

My job, my little commitment, all I was tasked to do was join my other sister Stacey and the twins for a few short hours on Sunday. Stacey was playing mommy for the weekend and I was cast in my usual role as uncle. All I had to do was show up at a time of my choosing, toss some infants dangerously high in the air, and avoid losing them under the couch or something. I went in with good intentions and high spirits and left a sad, defeated young man with so many unanswered questions.

Why me? How are things so tiny able to generate such big problems? Why don’t they come with a mute button? Isn’t there a toddler boarding school to send them until they’re of drinking age? I got some real perspective yesterday during those few hours with my deceivingly adorable little niece and nephew and their hero auntie. What I learned was I want nothing to do with people like them. And by people like them I mean babies. Don’t get me wrong, I get the point of babies, procreation and the continuation of our species and all. I just can’t do it – at least not anytime soon.

In the first hour I turned to breathing exercises to drown out the piercing noise. The second hour I tried to meditate having never done it before. Third hour I started reflecting on a life well-lived thinking this would be the end. And by hour four, following an seemingly endless lunch on Beverly Drive, a terrifying walk on Rodeo and a couple of head-pounding car rides, I caught myself in deep reflection: what must this be like every minute of every day of every week for years upon years!

To you, Moms, my humbled hat is off. From this day forward I will salute you in airports just as I salute our returning troops from the battlefield. I will give dirty looks to the inconsiderate a-holes giving you dirty looks while your babies wail uncontrollably in public places. I will even offer to buy Pinkberry for any stranger I see with a stroller.

This weekend I learned that parenthood is a trap and this mouse ain’t biting.

2 Responses to “The Education of an Uncle”

  1. Jolie May 16, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

    I for one look forward to the Pinkberry.

  2. Sleeping Mom @ Sleeping Should Be Easy May 17, 2012 at 3:10 am #

    They’re quite the challenge, aren’t they? *And* you had to deal with two. Thanks for giving us moms some props!

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