Archive | July, 2012

I Actually Told My 5 Year Old Where To Hide In Case of a Shooting.

28 Jul

Yesterday I saw my first movie since the shooting rampage in Colorado.

When a young guy walks into a movie theater and kills 12 people and seriously injures 58 more, it makes you think twice about going to the movies. I mean talk about the definition of a captive audience. Those people didn’t have a chance to defend themselves or run. Why would it cross their minds in a million years that they would have to?

Walking down the hall way towards our theater we passed not only one but two theaters showing The Dark Knight Rises. My stomach turned when I saw the name up in red lights. I understand that business is business, especially in Hollywood, but it just feels so wrong to have that movie still out there. How about pull it fro the theaters for a few weeks and let us heal a little? I should know better than anyone that the industry would never do it.  I fight with throngs of double-decker tourist buses for parking spots while they are trying to get a glimpse of a celebrity, I know better. I read that Warner Brothers is going to make a sizable donation to the victims families in the near future. That’s nice. It would also be nice to not see the movie in theaters for a week or two, just out of respect, but you wouldn’t want to play it too classy now would you Warner Brothers.

As I sat with my 5 year old waiting for  Ice Age 4 to begin,  it was on my mind. I eyeballed every person that walked into the theater. What exactly was I on the lookout for? I was scoping out suspicious behavior or disheveled young men. I was profiling the audience. I told myself that if any adult walked in without a kid, we were out of there. I also told HB if anything weird happens during the movie to get under her chair and stay there. Should I have told her that? Maybe not. Was I being neurotic, probably. I did it anyways.

One of my favorite things to do is go to the movies. Am I going to let a psychopath ruin that for me? Yes, just for a little while and then I will be ok.

Just like after Columbine, I cried for days. After 9/11 I was a changed person. Every time I am reminded of the unspeakable acts that are done by people to other people, I feel it and it affects me. But I am not paralyzed by it. I am going to continue to go to the movies, fly on airplanes, send my kids to school, and even visit Israel. In the end, most people are good people, or at least trying to be.


Do you think The Studio should have pulled the movie for a week? Let me know in the Comments section…

Lucky Lotto Lenses

25 Jul

I woke up feeling blessed this Morning. I realize that I should wake up every morning jumping up and down and thanking GOD for the life that I have, but I don’t. I am befuddled by the people that do. On most days I have to remind myself that I am actually extremely lucky.
As I’m cloroxing the poop off of T.R’s crib after yet another one of her shit storms, it’s hard to see the light. The good news is I never let myself go an entire day without remembering the truth. The truth being that I am blessed and lottery like lucky. I have an amazing husband that displays superhero strength patience with me. I made three healthy children that so far don’t hate me and have not been kicked out of any schools.
I’m working on feeling this way more often. As for now, today is a good day. Shit storms and all.


Terrible Two’s Time Two Plus One

24 Jul

I haven’t posted in a few days and I feel bad about it. Yes, I’ve read your emails, texts and Facebook messages asking me why I’ve been missing in action. I just haven’t been able to find my writing voice. It’s not really writer’s block, it’s more that my sense of humor is on hiatus.
The twins have been pretty difficult lately. They seem to be giving up their naps. At 2 years 3 months I find that unacceptable. It’s been going on for two weeks now. I’m not sure how much longer I can put them in their cribs to sing and chat for over an hour just praying they go to sleep. The best part is that during this “nap” time, my girl twin, TR takes off her diaper and smears poop everywhere. Her clothes, crib, wall, hair everything.
When they aren’t refusing to nap, they are climbing bookshelves, tables, throwing things and destroying everything in their path.
I am trying to keep my perspective and humor in tact, but I am struggling.
The good news is, my oldest daughter has been a delight. It’s as if she can sense that Mommy can only handle two little psychopaths in the house at one time.
I know they won’t stay two year olds forever, I find enormous comfort in that.


What To Buy A Beverly Hills Kid Who Already Has A Pony

19 Jul

My girlfriend JLO, yes those are her real initials, asked me the other day what I spent on average on a kid’s birthday present. I think a lot of Moms wonder the same thing. Here’s my take on the birthday party gift giving circuit on the Westside of L.A. – Average amount to spend :$40-$90.

There are a few determining factors when deciding how much to spend:

1. How well does your kid know the other kid? Do they have play dates?
2. Are you friends with the parents? Do you want to remain friends with the parents? You would be surprised how seriously some people take the sport of gift giving.
3. Is this kid one zebra short of owning their very own live zoo? Then don’t bother trying to impress. With these folks it’s the thought that counts. (unless your giving a zebra)
4. Some people abide by the amount spent per child on the party, is the amount that should be spent on the gift philosophy. I think this theory is plain ridiculous.
5. If the child is your child’s infanthood BFF your looking at a heftier price tag.

I would guess most families attend at least two birthday parties a month, and let’s assume they spend $50 on the present. Let’s also not forget that a lot of these people have more than one child. That’s right folks, we are looking at about $2400 a year in Birthday presents for children under 6. What are we going to give these kids for their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and Sweet Sixteens?!

I’m no Mother Theresa ( spare your snarky comments please) but I’ve been known to give gifts that put less emphasis on the toy and a little more on giving back. It was easier to get away with this when the kids were younger because they didn’t know any better. Now, they are all old enough to rip through the tissue paper and scream, “Hey, HB didn’t give a gift! Just a certificate with a picture of a kid on it!”
I think I’m going to start doing it more often and let the parents explain why they have one less Barbie doll, and instead a kid will have clean water to drink for a week.


What do you think? Am I depriving kids the thrill of getting a gift?


Understanding Women’s Texts – A Beginner’s Guide

18 Jul

We say:  What are you up to this weekend?
We mean:   Are you planning something special for us this weekend?

We say:  How is your day going?
We mean:  Is now a bad time to tell you about the speeding ticket/dent in the car/preschool bill?

We say:  You said you had a business meeting at The Ivy at noon, but I happen to be there too and you weren’t anywhere to be found.
We mean:  Your cheating on me and I’m the crazy stalking type, so your a dead man walking.

We say:  You look cute.
We mean:  You look cute. Now tell me that I look cute/hot/sexy.

We say:  I haven’t heard from you in awhile.
We mean:  Where the f*** have you been all day and why haven’t you texted or called?

We say:  Call me back.
We mean:  Call me back within 30 minutes or I might go Fatal Attraction on you.

We say:  There was a little accident with one of the kids today at The Park.
We mean:  While I was busy gossiping with the other Moms, Junior took a head dive off the top of the big kid slide and has a concussion.

We say:  I love you.
We mean:  I love you.


Did I miss any important lost in translation texts between the sexes? Let me know in the Comments section.

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