Archive | May, 2013

I’m Raising A Sociopath.

30 May

A couple of weeks ago, my oldest daughter HB, age 6.5 came home from school and announced proudly that she had been voted Class President. At first I was a little confused. Class President in first grade? How does a first grader campaign for office? I was also surprised that her teacher would decide to do this now with only about a month left of school.

Nonetheless, I was thrilled, beaming like a strobe light. My baby girl, Class President. Maybe I wasn’t doing such a bad job mothering these kids after all.
HB told my sister and I all the exact details about how her teacher had selected three students, the class would get to choose their President from these selected three. HB explained that these kids were picked because they had a positive attitude, great grades and are fantastic leaders (really beaming now.)
Then all the children in the class voted by putting their heads down on their desks and raising a hand when the teacher said the name of the person that they wanted to be their Class President.
Lo and behold, when the votes were tallied my girl had won the vote of her peers by a landslide she reported.
My sister and I then heard all about the cool responsibilities that she would have and all the choices she would get to make on behalf of her fellow classmates. I called the grandparents on both sides and told all my closest friends about this huge accomplishment.

I thought to myself, “These are the moments that make all those crappy moments totally worth it.”

-Flash forward to a few days after her big election news-

HB comes to my room and says with a smirk on her face that she has something really hilariously funny to tell me.
I cannot frickin’ wait to hear this one, I tell her.

HB: You know how I told you that I got voted Class President last week…..well……I didn’t win.
ME: Oh honey thats ok, you will win next time, you don’t have to be embarrassed.
HB: No Mommy, I made the whole thing up.
HB: There was no election, no three people chosen, we don’t do that kind of thing in 1st grade.
HB: Sorry, It won’t happen again, You should probably call everyone and tell them it was a joke.

Not only did my child not win the title and honor of class president, but she single handedly fooled me, my sister, my friends and all of our relatives. She had the details down pat, she had a straight face the entire time!

The bad news is, she might be a pathological liar, possible sociopath and I seem to be failing miserably as a Mother.

The good news is, looks like she is actually heading for a life in politics.



Child Eating Squirrels – aka Childproofing

29 May

Dear G-D, (or whomever is residing over all things good)

Today I am feeling especially thankful.
No, I am not under the influence of any mind altering substances.

The List:

1. Summer Camp. If it wasn’t for the bright light of camp starting just a week after school gets out, I would have nothing to strive for. Even if I had to pay in teeth, I would get myself some dentures and write the check.

2. The family across the street. They have five children. The screaming that comes from that house makes the screaming that comes from my house seem much less painful.

3. Froyolife. It is my reward, my comfort, and my hangout. It is also my reason for still having those last 10 pounds. It’s fine, I can blame my hips on the twins.

4. Hot Dogs. Without these disgusting excuses for food my son might actually starve. Literally.

5. Black Tights. I can wear a skirt that leaves little to the imagination without being “THAT Mom.”

6. Benadryl. Because I know that if worse comes to worse, and I can’t take another minute of my psychotic children, I can always break out the “allergy medicine.”

7. Kat Dennings, Christina Hendricks, and Catherine Zeta Jones. For reminding me that I am not fair haired, bronze skinned, a size 2, or a flat chested waif and I am finally (FINALLY) finally alright with that.

8. The Crossing Guards of Beverly Hills. Without them I would definitely be serving a life sentence after killing some moron in a Maserati racing through a school crosswalk. I don’t give a flying fu–how much you paid for that car, slow down loser.

9. The Squirrels that live in the trees in our front yard. When JH, my 3 year old son tries to escape the house via the front door when I’m not looking, all I have to yell is, “I hope the squirrels don’t get you!” Works every time.

10. My 3 little monkeys. They show me how absolutely wonderful life is. They make me want to be a better Woman, a better Mother, and an example to them of how to live life as it is meant to be lived. They have shown me that life is meant to be lived not just endured.



Childbirth – Sometimes drugs are the only answer.

29 May

I had dinner last week with two women who are a few years younger than I am, both single and without kids. After a couple drinks the woman who I had just met that night through my other friend looked at me point blank and confessed, “My biggest fear in life is childbirth, how did you do it three times?!?!”

It’s funny, before I had children I remember being terrified of childbirth too. The thought of being out of control and without the ability to turn back. The concept that once I was pregnant the only way to get that baby out was to deliver it, horrified me. Today, as a woman who has delivered 3 children, I can honestly say it wasn’t that bad. I would also like to say, why the hell didn’t anyone tell me that it wasn’t going to be that bad?!

For those of you that read my blog and have not had kids yet, I would like to take this opportunity to ease your mind so listen up:

If you get an epidural to help with the pain during childbirth, it doesn’t hurt that bad!

It’s uncomfortable, exhausting, frustrating and at times annoying. Having Velcro monitors wrapped around your enormous swollen itchy belly that beep every time your move, is not fun. Having people stick things in your vagina while a 7 pound object is trying to descend out of said vagina, also not fun. Having your family squeeze clown car style into a hospital room just to stare at the freak show you have become, totally not fun. But, I promise you none of this is excruciating or horrifically painful.

Now, all that being said, if you choose to be a much braver person than I am and forego the epidural then you are on your own girlfriend. All I know is that with my first I tried to go as long as I could without getting one. They told me in birthing class that I should try to see how far I can go naturally. By the time I caved in and the anesthesiologist was paged, I was hunched over sobbing, muttering over and over, “Why isn’t he coming? What if he never comes? Why isn’t he here yet? Why is he doing this to me? Why isn’t he coming?” he finally arrived and I’m pretty sure that I told him that he as the love of my life. At that moment, he really was.

By the time I arrived at the hospital to deliver my second and third children, the scenario was a little bit different. We parked, I checked in, and I immediately requested my epidural and any and all allowed drugs.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t be scared to have kids because of giving birth. I assure you that everything that happens after you bring the baby home is much more terrifying.

Those of you that disagree with me – feel free to pipe in in the comments section. Those of you that gave birth in your backyard in a blow up pool and think I am evil for promoting the use of a hospital and drugs during labor, I look forward to reading your emails privately later this evening.



Love At First Sight- The Same As Fairies and Psychics?

24 May

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’ve been asking myself this lately. The conclusion I came up with is that it depends on the type of love you are talking about and what an individual person believes.

It’s a lot like G-D. Some people believe in G-D with all their heart. They can’t see him and they have no absolute proof of his existence. They just know deep inside that he is real.

I find its the same with love at first sight. You either trust and believe in your soul that it exists or you just don’t.

Is there such a thing as fate? Does your soul know when it has found it’s mate? Is true love a myth?

I always believed in soul mates. I also always believed that the moment I held my newborn child that I would feel such overwhelming love my heart would burst.

Now, I’m not so sure.

I have held three of my own brand new babies in my arms after long and painful labors. I can honestly say, what I was feeling was not exactly blissful love and joy.
It took me awhile to truly bond with them and realize the never ending and unconditional love I have for my children. It really wasn’t “love at first sight” like I was told it would be.

I definitely believe that when it comes to the opposite sex that there is lust at first sight. It’s a physiological and chemical reaction, I get it.

When I met my current best friend in College, I didn’t like the looks of her. Something about her just irked me. She turned out to be one of the most amazing women I have met to this day and a steadfast friend.

An instant connection with a stranger that will last a lifetime… I want to think that it exists.
I also want to believe that all people are truly good deep inside and that there is Heaven. I don’t have an ounce of proof for either of those things either.

I have loved shoes, houses, sunsets, clothes, art, and songs in that first moment. As for Men, friends and children, I remain on the fence and unconvinced.
For now….



Merida Gets a Makeover – From Heroine to Ho.

21 May

Disney you have done it again. You have managed to find a way to add insult to injury in another Princess related situation. It’s not bad enough that all of the Disney princesses have teensy weeny waists and enormously buoyant breasts, or that they all have minuscule noses and perfectly pink pouty puckers.

But now, they have to be overtly sexy, seductive and sultry.

Case in point: Merida. The strong willed, bow wielding heroine from the movie Brave. Why couldn’t you guys just leave her alone? She was the best thing Disney had done for little girls since Mulan. They even messed that one up when they came out with Mulan 2 which revolves entirely around Mulan getting to marry her dreamboat Officer.

Very recently, Merida got a makeover of the HO variety. Instead of, “I am brave and will follow my heart,” her new message is more of a “Hey big boy you wanna get out of here and go to my place?”
Her hair is no longer a frizzy mop of curls, it is now smoothly cascading over her shoulders. Her waist has been made so small that if she were a real woman she would surely split in half. Her dress is exposing serious cleavage and way more shoulder. She is not wielding her signature bow and arrow in the new images either. After all, a male suitor might not find a strong independent woman attractive.

I don’t only blame Disney for making little girls feel the pressure to be thin, beautiful, and charming. I don’t completely blame Disney for making little girls believe that all they need to do is find a Prince and then life will be complete. After all, I am my daughters biggest role model, not an animated character. But, I would be a fool to think that the media and these fairy tale images are not making a mark on young girls despite what we do to counteract them. My 3 year old can name every single Disney Princess despite the fact that she has only actually seen the movie Mulan. These Princesses become ingrained in their psyches. As do the billboards of greased up underwear clad models on their knees crawling towards a man.

Yes, I am the parent.
Yes, it is my responsibility to decide what enters my house.
Yes, I realize that they can’t live in a bubble.

But, seriously Disney?! How about some social responsibility here? You should have left Merida alone. She gave me hope for the Princess race, she was a Princess I could handle.

Bring the real Merida back. I for one, think the vapid and defenseless new Merida totally sucks.


What do you think? Tell the truth, I can handle it.


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