Child Eating Squirrels – aka Childproofing

29 May

Dear G-D, (or whomever is residing over all things good)

Today I am feeling especially thankful.
No, I am not under the influence of any mind altering substances.

The List:

1. Summer Camp. If it wasn’t for the bright light of camp starting just a week after school gets out, I would have nothing to strive for. Even if I had to pay in teeth, I would get myself some dentures and write the check.

2. The family across the street. They have five children. The screaming that comes from that house makes the screaming that comes from my house seem much less painful.

3. Froyolife. It is my reward, my comfort, and my hangout. It is also my reason for still having those last 10 pounds. It’s fine, I can blame my hips on the twins.

4. Hot Dogs. Without these disgusting excuses for food my son might actually starve. Literally.

5. Black Tights. I can wear a skirt that leaves little to the imagination without being “THAT Mom.”

6. Benadryl. Because I know that if worse comes to worse, and I can’t take another minute of my psychotic children, I can always break out the “allergy medicine.”

7. Kat Dennings, Christina Hendricks, and Catherine Zeta Jones. For reminding me that I am not fair haired, bronze skinned, a size 2, or a flat chested waif and I am finally (FINALLY) finally alright with that.

8. The Crossing Guards of Beverly Hills. Without them I would definitely be serving a life sentence after killing some moron in a Maserati racing through a school crosswalk. I don’t give a flying fu–how much you paid for that car, slow down loser.

9. The Squirrels that live in the trees in our front yard. When JH, my 3 year old son tries to escape the house via the front door when I’m not looking, all I have to yell is, “I hope the squirrels don’t get you!” Works every time.

10. My 3 little monkeys. They show me how absolutely wonderful life is. They make me want to be a better Woman, a better Mother, and an example to them of how to live life as it is meant to be lived. They have shown me that life is meant to be lived not just endured.

xoxo

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One Response to “Child Eating Squirrels – aka Childproofing”

  1. Rachel May 31, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

    ROTFL!!! Especially Benadryl as the “allergy medicine”. Sing it sister…..

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