Archive | June, 2013

Lunching Lady of Leisure

26 Jun

I’m going to allow the offender in this story to remain nameless. I believe if I did share his name, he might be hunted down and beat by every housewife on the planet.

Last week, I was confronted by this person and asked,
“What exactly do you do all day?”
I could see where this was going from the first three words.
“What do you mean, what do I do all day?” I asked back
Well, he replied, “your kids are now all in camp from 9:30am – 2pm, so you have an entire day to yourself.”

An entire day to myself. HA!

Here’s what I did yesterday:

6am-8:50am – Fed kids, had multiple complaints about the food and service, dressed kids, groomed kids, played with kids, disciplined kids, put my workout clothes on, wiped kids, begged all to put socks and shoes on, watched all 3 take socks and shoes off, put all shoes and socks back on, got everyone out the front door, convinced them to get in their carseats, threatened with calls to police if they didn’t get buckled, took away toys, had a book thrown at me, the neighbor gave me a nasty look, finally loaded everyone in the car, left the extra camp clothes bags in the house, ran back in the house while two of the kids screamed not to leave them alone in the car with the crazy squirrels, finally got to Olympic Blvd. to head to camp to search for a parking spot. Realized that I forgot to eat and never drank my coffee that I had reheated three times.

9:05am – 9:30am – Drop off kids #1, 2, and 3 at 2 different camps.

9:40am – 10:45am – Workout and dry cleaners

11am – 11:30am – Shower and get dressed

11:45am – 1:15 pm – Trader Joe’s and Ralph’s, unload groceries, organize fridge, cleaned up from breakfast.

1:15pm – 1:45pm – returned phone calls, sent emails, made appointments, ate something, finally.

1:45pm – 2pm – drive to camp, park, take a deep breath and pick up the first 2 kids.

*all time gaps allow for LA traffic and parking.

That is a typical day just from 6am to 2pm. Then, we have assorted activities, errands, dinner and baths, and bedtime routines, from 2-8:30pm.
On a day when I have to squeeze in a doctor’s appointment, a meeting or feel like actually writing, it’s busier. Not to mention, I still have a child, sometimes two, who refuse to sleep through the night.

I’m not saying, woe is me, look what a hard working, busy Mom I am. I am well aware that there are women who do twice as much as what I do while schlepping three toddlers along with them. There are women who have to work all day and still figure out how to pay for the groceries. I am grateful that I am not in that situation.

However – I WORK HARD. I am not lunching at the Ivy and having facials all day at The Four Seasons. Quite frankly, even if I was, as long as my kids were covered and taken care of for that day, it’s my prerogative.

I have learned and changed dramatically since becoming a Mother. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I decided to go off the pill. I have learned that until you have walked a mile in someone else’s shoes, you have no right to judge them.

So, to the unnamed person who asked, “What exactly do you do all day?”

My answer is, “My kids are healthy, loved and safe. Everything else is none of your f*cking business.”



Proud Mommy of a Lion Taming Psychic Lesbian

15 Jun

My 6.5 year old daughter HB and I have had more than a handful of talks about what it means to be gay. The first talk was when she was 3 years old, she told me that a kid in her Preschool had two Mommies and no Daddy.

My initial thought was, really? Already? I already have to answer the tough questions, she’s only 3!

Now that I look back on it, I’m not sure why I thought it was such a hard question. The way I feel about homosexuality and same sex parents is pretty straight forward.
If a person is gay, cool. If a person is straight, cool. If a couple wants to provide a loving home for a child, awesome.

What was I scared of? That if I didn’t explain same sex parents or gay people properly that she would misunderstand and become a lesbian? If I condoned her falling in love with a woman, then would I be discouraging her to be in love with a man?

This morning, HB asked me, “Do you think I’m gay?”
My initial thought was, of course you aren’t gay, you have been boy crazy since you were 18 months old!
But, I stopped myself, I didn’t say that. I wanted her to know that if she was gay, or an artist or an atheist, or a lion tamer or an astronaut, that was for her to discover on her own.

So I just said, “Do you think your gay?”
Her reply, “Nope, I like boys, but I wanted to know what you thought.”
And I said, “It’s cool either way, just be yourself. I love you.”

There we had it. She just wanted to know what her Mommy thought in case she was gay.
Now she knows. She can be whomever she decides to be and Mommy will love her.

As parents we walk a fine line between wanting to teach our children what we believe to be right and moral and allowing them to be true to themselves. It’s extremely difficult to not tell them how to live and what to do to have a happy life. After all, we have lived and learned much longer then they have. The problem with imposing our recipe for happiness and contentment on our children is that every single human being is unique. My own shiny yellow brick road to enlightenment might look like a steep dirt path to nowhere for my children.

They will find their own paths, their own passions, their own moral code, their own equation for a happy life.

All I can do is be true to my self and let them see that they can live the same way. No matter what these 3 little people turn out to be like, I want them to know that they can live a genuine life and that their Mommy supports whatever that life may look like. Gay, straight, single, married, lion tamer, doctor, psychic hotline operator, pierced, vegan, or a nudist.

Unless, of course, any of them decides to get a pet Tarantula. Because Mommy will never be supportive of that.


As always, I love to see all your comments on my blog. Unless you are a child, then do not comment, ever.


Oral Fixation – Them, Not Me!

11 Jun

Just when I thought I was out of the “they put everything in their mouth” danger zone, I am jolted back to reality.

The twins turned 3 in April and usually by this age the intense oral fixation has worn off. They slowly stop licking, biting, and chewing on everything that comes near them. Now, of course the oral fixation doesn’t disappear in all people and that’s a whole different topic and this isn’t that kind of blog.
Back to my story – I’ve started allowing smaller toys and objects in to my house which were previously banned. Growing up, my Mom instilled an intense fear of choking in all five of us children.
I knew better than to allow the deadly quarter sized bouncy ball and marker caps anywhere near my children. TR and HB are now old enough to play with Barbies together and who am I to deprive them of a tiny Barbie heel or a minuscule Barbie lipstick?

Well guess what?
I left the twins alone for two minutes today while I went to the bathroom (pee pee). Upon my return to the play room I found one of my worst case scenarios playing out right before my eyes.
TR (3) was standing on the couch with her mouth wide open, JH (3) was standing about two feet in front of her with a teeny tiny bouncy ball.
I hear JH say,

“That’s good, keep your mouth big open and I gonna throw the little ball in.”

It was a scene from a movie, a horror film. Everything was blurry from there….

I know I screamed, “Noooooooooo!!!!!!!” and I’m pretty sure I leapt through the air towards them. I intercepted the tiny choke ball and tried to calmly explain to the twins that we never NEVER never try to throw a small object into someone else’s mouth.
I have no idea how many attempts JH had made before I caught them.


Was this my fault? I mean, I had to pee…

I had never told them specifically not to do that. I have also never told them not to shove each other in the dryer. I have never told them not to hit the TV with a baseball bat. I have never told them not to climb out a window. I have never told them not to eat paper clips, staples or batteries.

That after almost seven years of being a Mother, I still can’t go to the bathroom in peace.
That 3 year old twins should never ever be left alone, even for a minute.
That I f**king hate those little plastic bouncy balls.



%d bloggers like this: