Archive | August, 2013

Is That a Soul Mate In Your Pocket or are you Just Happy To See Me?

31 Aug

I totally disagree with the notion that your soul mate in life has to be your spouse.

I will say that I have been lucky enough to experience the lovey-dovey side of the concept.

The feeling that your romantic partner is, in fact, your soul mate, is truly the pinnacle of ultimate happiness. There is no better feeling than lying in the grass with someone and being certain that you have found the person who makes you feel whole.

No matter how short lived, everyone should be able to feel at least once in life that their boyfriend/fiancee’/husband can be a best friend, lover and inspiration to them, all at once.

I also have to say, that I have had far more experiences with women, friends, where I feel like they are my soul mates, much more than I have men.

I have crossed paths with women time and time again where I feel like they just “get” me. Somehow, we are on the same wavelength, the same page. These type of friends can sense what you need before you tell them. Even though they might be from a farm in Nebraska and you are from a Beverly Hills estate, it still feels as if you have walked the same path.

I’ve also figured out that the people who go around announcing that they are your best friend/soul mate/other half, usually aren’t.

It’s the people who give you that quick glance and nod, when they know you need it the most. The people who remember that today was a big day for you and call just to check-in. Those people who aren’t keeping score, they do for you because they want to. The women who share their stories of Postpartum Depression, Miscarriage, and loss with you, even though you just met them at The Park.

Knowing that there are people out there roaming the world who I have an innate connection with is comforting. Believing that there isn’t just one true soul mate for me, but instead, quite a few, makes me feel less isolated.

The human experience doesn’t have to be as lonely as we make it. Try looking around, chances are there is a person right near you that understands you more than you might think they do.



Demon Posessed iPhone – A Bad Apple

28 Aug

I’ve been hearing a ton of people gripe about their iPhones lately.

Quite a few Apple devotees actually believe that there is an Apple conspiracy. They say that the company plants bugs in the phones on purpose, so that you are forced to buy a new phone or upgrade to the newest model. I’m not going to debate the technical realities of this. I have no clue if this is even possible, all I know is that I have heard at least a dozen iPhone users saying that this secret plot, is happening.

Last week my iPhone became possessed. Random apps would open and close, emails would move folders, and Siri came to life on her own. Beyond creepy to say the least.

My phone would text whomever it wanted to, whenever and whatever it wanted to. If you received a text from saying something like, “blue baby bicycle” or “monkey up then Saturn” it was my phantom phone. I’m sure some of you saw some odd Facebook status updates from me as well. You probably just assumed that I had been hitting the Mommy Juice pretty hard. Nope, not the case, it was my phone, going insane.

After three calls to customer service and a bunch of re-starts later, it was time to visit the Apple store. The looks on the faces of all the twenty-something employees faces when I marched into the store with my crew, was priceless. I would say we were less then 5 feet in the door before half the screens in the place had little handprints on them.
What was amazing was how quickly the manager ran over to usher us to the kids table in the back. There was an iPad for each child equipped with kid friendly games at a mini table. These Apple folks really are frickin’ geniuses. Slightly intense, but geniuses.

Forty Five minutes later, I was neck deep in tech language that I could barely keep up with. I nodded at my helper guy as if I understood every single word. What I was really wondering was if I was causing brain damage to my children. They had been staring at those iPads at that tiny table for almost an hour. I hadn’t heard a word from them. Again, Apple…Wow.

In the end, they gave me a new iPhone. I never really got an explanation for what was wrong with it in the first place. One Apple worker said it was software, another said it was the screen,yet a third swore it was water damage.

Could it have been that my phone had a mind of it’s own and was just messing with me? Possibly.

What I do know is that I discovered a place at the mall where all my kids can sit for free and play
quietly for almost an hour, while I do absolutely nothing.

If it takes a demon possessed phone to get that, then so be it.


The Sick Joke – Visiting Week

26 Aug

I have been looking forward to today for 4 weeks. First day of Preschool!!

Summer camp ended a month ago for my 3 year old twins and I have been counting down ever since then. But, of course, I found out yesterday, it was too good to be true. As it turns out, this week is in fact not the first week back to school for the kids. For their age group it is “visiting week” at their Preschool. Which means that I go with them for an hour everyday all week. That’s it, one hour, and done.

I cried when I heard, literally cried.

Visiting Week. Awesome concept. Get the kids acclimatized, let them meet their new teachers, get used to the routine, ease into the transition.
For this mother of three, who has been to the Zoo, The Aquarium, The Beach and every Park within a 5 mile radius – not so awesome.

I totally grasp the concept and psychology behind it. I’m sure some of this, one hour a day visiting is done so the parents can adjust to leaving their children at school. I was once a first time parent with an only child, I get it. But those days are three screaming kids and 5 thousand sleepless nights behind me.
I have no qualms about teachers peeling a hysterical child off my leg as I walk out of the classroom door and wave bye-bye. I’ve been through this before. They cry for five minutes, demand Mommy comes back. Then, they discover a puzzle or a toy that they like and they might as well be orphans.

As “visiting time” wrapped up today, I seriously considered slipping the teachers some money to keep the kids there for a couple extra hours. It’s cruel to make a mother, feed and dress two 3 year olds, get them into car seats, into school and then send them right back home again after an hour, cruel.

It has been the longest Summer of my entire life. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am totally capable of taking care of three young children all by myself. I learned that I am much more resourceful than I look. I learned that going to bed exhausted after a long day of hard work feels fulfilling. I learned that no matter how hard I try, I will always hate the feeling of sand on dry feet. I learned that I have to eat every few hours or I develop an intense uncontrollable rage.

The biggest thing that I learned, is that despite all my complaining, fear and sarcasm, I actually enjoy my children. I love being their Mommy. I do prefer them in smaller less intense doses, but overall, I am enjoying this gig.

I am easing into the Mommy thing. All I need is these kids back in school so I can have some refueling time and all will be well again in the Mommyhood.

Visiting week. Really?



Using A Taser Gun On A Child Is Never The Answer – Right?

19 Aug

My friend JLO (not that JLO) and I have decided that it’s time to gain control of our children. My kids aren’t exactly starting fires and torturing neighborhood pets. In fact, my kids all got rave reviews from their teachers at the last parent/teacher conferences. The behavior that is problematic and unacceptable happens outside of school, almost exclusively with me. They are maniacs, yet only when they choose to be.

What does that tell me?

1. It tells me that there isn’t anything majorly wrong with my kids. If they can hold their insane behavior inside them the entire time they are in school, then they are not totally insane.

2. It tells me that I am doing something wrong.

3. It tells me that my kids know that I love them unconditionally. Why else would they think they can act like agitated drunk monkeys, and still ask for me to sing and rock them to sleep?

4. It tells me that if I want their behavior to change, I am going to have to change.

Awesome. Now that we’ve established that I am a loving Mom and a crappy disciplinarian, what to do about it?

I started where every Mother would think to start, Supernanny. If Jo Frost can’t come to me, then I am going to channel that British miracle worker through my finger tips. I memorized every article on that website and watched every clip available.

Then, I armed myself with literature. If a book on parenting a 3-7 year old exists, I’ve read it. I Googled every article about non-sleeping, hitting, tantrum throwing three year old’s ever written.
Turns out, I was going to need charts, stickers, a reward box and possibly a naughty step.

JLO and I then had a meeting at my house to go over all the information we had gathered between the two of us. Two grown women both with college degrees and here we were fiercely debating: should five random stars equal a reward or does it have to be five consistent stars or should it be a star for each task five days in a row?

Two glasses of wine and many grapes later, we had not made much progress. We had established that we do not ever want to spank our kids. We figured out that we are not consistent enough with our rules and consequences. We promised each other that we will have another meeting and figure out how the hell to tame these kids. In the end, we never really did establish how to work the star chart.

I love these kids. I take my job as their Mother seriously.

Even if it kills me, I am not going to let the loonies run this asylum. It might seem easier at the moment, but all I have to do is ask myself, “Is it easier to fix the path of a three year old or a thirteen year old?”




If A Stranger Offers You Candy From A Bentley, They Are Still A Stranger.

17 Aug

Do kids just play outside anymore?

In Beverly Hills they don’t. Kids here are either inside playing Wii or are on their IPads. If they are outside, they are at The Park being followed closely by a parent or nanny. I can’t even remember the last time I drove down any street in Beverly Hills and saw kids playing football or tag.

I’m sure I could launch a very thorough study into this phenomenon and come up with some scientific answers, but I don’t have time for that, I have 3 kids and it’s Summer.
Here’s what I think is going on:

Technology- TV, computers, iPads, video games, cel phones and all the other tech stuff my kids know about that I’ve never even heard of.
When I was a kid all we had was Nintendo and the only game that anyone played was Super Mario Brothers. That didn’t keep us indoors all afternoon. You could only bump so many mushrooms and coins with your head before it got boring. If we had all this amazing stuff when I was a kid, I would have NEVER left the house.

Fear- As parents, raising kids in a city, we aren’t sure if it’s even safe to let them play outside. Yesterday, my 7 year old wanted to play out front with the little boy that lives two doors down. I just stood there after she asked me. I honestly had no idea if it was okay for her to play on the front lawn without my supervision. She has always been watched by someone. She knows not to wander, she knows not to talk to strangers, she’s with another friend, is it okay?
We pay top dollar to live in this neighborhood and I don’t even know if I feel safe having my kid play in the front yard.
Do strangers really scoop kids up from front lawns in BH? Am I supposed to sit at the front window and watch them? When did I stop feeling safe?

Activities- the children around here are scheduled for activities before they are even born. My daughter was signed up for Mommy and Me when I was 6 months pregnant. I had to, or I wouldn’t get a spot in the “best baby class.”
Trying to get together with other Moms and their kids is like scheduling a World Peace Conference. Between Ella, Bella and Stella’s dance, gymnastics and piano lessons and my kids early dinner and bath routine, you can kiss play dates goodbye.
Parents often ask me, what my kids DO. They don’t mean for a living, they mean as an activity. What do they “DO?” I usually have to use all my strength not to burst out laughing. My 3 year old son still poops in a pull up, what exactly did you have in mind for him?

City Life- I suspect that in out in the forests of Maine or the farms of Iowa, kids are playing outside. In the planned gated communities of the suburban world, I bet kids are riding bikes unsupervised. We are surrounded by aggressive drivers, traffic, and people rushing. It’s not exactly a perfect match for raising small kids. City living has tons of other perks, outside play just isn’t one of them.

There you have it. My thoughts on why kids don’t just play outside anymore.

What do I plan to do about it? I’m not sure yet. As most of you know, I’m a talker, discusser information gatherer. I will be looking into this, trying to figure out what needs to change, if anything at all. So, if a woman toting 3 children approaches you and asks you your thoughts on the state of kid-play in Beverly Hills, it’s just me, no need to panic.


As always, I love reading everyone’s comments and questions. Don’t be shy, I don’t usually bite.


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