Archive | July, 2014

Range Rover, Range Rover, Send Audi Right Over!

23 Jul

Sometimes I wonder if my kids will be messed up because they are being raised in Beverly Hills. I go back and forth on the matter quite frequently.
If these three children are going to be f**ked up, I want it to be for a legitimate reason, not because they turned into spoiled 90210 brats.

When I picked up my (almost) 8 year old up from camp yesterday, I looked around the parking lot. It was as if Range Rover, Mercedes and Audi had decided to film a commercial for SUV’s there. There were even a few Maserati’s and a DeLorean in the mix. I imagined what this camp pick up parking lot must look like to a person visiting from Anytown, USA.
This isn’t even a fancy pants camp, it’s done through the Beverly Hills Parks and Recreation!
When I’m sitting on the grass with other BH families at a Little League Softball game, I feel like we are like any other town in California.
When I pick my daughter up at camp and she tells me that her friend’s Mom is on a TV show and I should really watch it sometime, I think maybe not so much.
Every city has it’s own issues and drawbacks as well as it’s advantages and perks. When deciding where to raise a family, there are tons of things to consider. Tons. I don’t know if any parent really knows if they made the right choice about where they should raise a family.
I know that so far, all seems to be well in Beverly Hills. Do I think it’s a little odd that tourists from Asian countries take pictures of my daughter and yell out, “Shirley Temple! Shirley Temple!” Yup, totally odd.
Do I think it’s interesting that my kids can hear a song on the radio and say, “Hey, that’s my friend’s Daddy!” And they think that’s totally normal? Yup, totally interesting.
My kids also know the name of our mailman, the UPS guy, our crossing guard, most of our police officers and the name of every dog on our street.
Do I think that’s awesome? Yup, I do.

It can be surreal living here sometimes, but, it’s our real and we like it.



Kids Are Gross.

21 Jul

Why are kids so gross?

The sand and dirt and food and drool and pee and shit and slime and boogers that I encounter on a daily basis just doesn’t seem normal to me.

I get it to a certain degree. Children learn by using their senses. Touching sand, playing in the dirt, everyday sensory stuff. Fine, I’m on board with all that. But, the level that one of my children takes it to is a whole special kind of grossness.
The other kids play in the sandbox. She has to have the sand embedded in her toenails, nostrils and underwear to feel like she got the most out of it.
The other kids eat birthday cake. She becomes one with the cake. If her long hair, arms and p legs are not completely covered in frosting by the time she is done, then I wouldn’t believe that she had her piece.
The other kids spill their milk on the floor and look shocked. Within 2 seconds this kid is lying on the floor rolling in the milk with all her clothes on.
Did I mention she also doesn’t believe in chewing her food and taking small bites? When she eats it’s like watching a squirrel who hasn’t eaten in months.
Her face could be completely covered in boogers, dirt and food and I will ask her, “Do you want me to help me wipe your face?”

Her response every time, “NO, I LOOK PERFECT.”

There you have it folks. I do believe that this child was sent to me or made by me or is being raised by me, to teach me a huge life lesson that I missed somewhere along the way.

She lives in the moment. She doesn’t care what you think of her. She doesn’t care if she is filthy or looks sparkly clean. She is experiencing life, full throttle, all in.
She is a embracing the world with all it’s splendor and she doesn’t give a fu** what she looks like while she does it.

This little girl might be messy, gross at times, and definitely hard to keep clean. But, she is my reminder to live. To stop being prim, proper and sparkly clean. Life is messy, you can sit it out and let it pass you by or get in it and get dirty.



Psycho Nanny Comes For A Visit

17 Jul

I interviewed a potential nanny yesterday and I almost hired her. She was outgoing, professional, and cheerful. She had a binder that she shared with me, full of written and signed references covering the past twenty years. She was legal to work here in the U.S. And CPR certified. This delightful lady explained to me with tears in her eyes that she was never able to have children of her own and became a nanny to share all the love that she has for children.
This woman was so experienced that I felt that she wasn’t a fit for what I was looking for. She was a REAL PROFESSIONAL NANNY. I really need a housekeeper and an extra set of hands around the house in the afternoons. This woman belonged with a family who had a baby or two and possibly a working Mother with an infant.

Or. So. I. Thought.

I thanked the Woman for coming and I told her honestly that I wasn’t going to hire her. I then told her that I was going to help her find a job because I really liked her. She was very grateful, shook my hand, smiled big, “God Bless You Miss.”

I immediately went upstairs and hit my arsenal of Mommies the best way I know how, Facebook. I know firsthand what it’s like to have three small children, a husband who works all the time and be desperate for some trustworthy help with the kids. I posted about my great interview and said that I would pass along this Woman’s number if anyone wanted to interview her themselves. I immediately received at least twenty responses from interested people. I was such a mensch! I was going to get her a job and an exhausted Mommy some help!

About 8pm last night I get a Facebook message:
“Did the woman you interviewed look like this?” With a picture of the amazing nanny I was spreading the word about.

My stomach dropped. Omg. What have I done?

I immediately responded, “Yes, that’s her. Is she bad? Do you know her?!”

After a bunch of emails and finally a phone call with another Beverly Hills Mom, with proof, it was confirmed. Not only was my great nanny find not a great nanny, but she was a horrible one. She was not only an incompetent employee, but a bad person. I ran to Facebook as fast as I could to retract my recommendation to interview this woman.

How did this happen? How did I almost hire a Woman that has no business being anywhere near children? Why did I send out the name of a Woman that I don’t know personally? Is my gut instinct broken? What can I learn from this?

I’ve been doing this Mom thing for almost 8 years. I obviously still have a lot to learn.



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