What I Really Want to Say to Newlyweds Dying to Have Kids

20 May

1. Don’t have kids.

2. Okay, fine, have kids. But wait until you absolutely have to have them. Like, to the point where either your eggs are so old they are about to rot OR when you start dreaming about kidnapping other women’s babies. Then, do what you have to.

3. When you finally do make the totally irrational decision to have kids, remember, trying to prepare is a complete waste of time. No book, class or YouTube video can prepare you for what you are about to experience. Just go to sleep. Sleep as much as you can. Because you will never sleep again.

4. When you find yourself knocked up: The baby registry. I had a baby registry. When I go back and read it now, it’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever composed besides my birth plan. How I so carefully chose each onesie, each bottle, and every last item they could market to a first time mom. I spent months gathering the perfect stash. Here’s what you really need: A box of newborn size diapers, cheap onesies, a bassinet, formula or your boobs, and a shit load of cheap burp cloths. Everything else is decorative. 

5. When people ask how many kids you want, you sound stupid when you gaze into each other’s eyes and say, “four or five at least.” I know young new love is intoxicating, but sober up. Start with one baby and go from there. Besides, have you even considered where your four or five kids will go to public school? Or how you you will pay for the house in the good public school district for the kids to attend said school? Or will you be paying the $30,000 yearly tuition per child starting at the age of two? Exactly. 

6. Planning on going back to work and having Mary Poppins care for your angel? Let me save you a tremendous amount of heartache here. The perfect nanny doesn’t exist. A loving educated person to raise your child exactly as you would who also cleans your house and does your laundry all while keeping the bambinos safe and the dog fed…. This woman is a myth. If you go looking for her and on top of it offer to pay her $12 an hour, then everyday will become take your baby to work day for you. Pick your battles. No nanny is going to be you. No nanny is Wonder Woman. Find someone who genuinely enjoys children, believes in honest work and values safety. Everything else is negotiable.

7. If you have a problem with the smell of poop then this kid thing is not going to work out well for you.

8. If you absolutely must have kids, I will admit, but only this once, that in the end, it’s worth it. It’s hard and scary and exhausting and painful. Being a mother is also at the core of my being the most ultimately divine and important thing I have ever done and will ever do in my life.  But let’s just keep that between you and I.
xoxo

  

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