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Poison Your Face To Celebrate!

8 Mar

The very first email I received today was from a well known Beverly Hills plastic surgery center down the street from me. They were offering me a 20% discount on Botox if I came in today. Why today? Because today is International Women’s Day. What better way to commemorate that then with a shot of poison in my face to make me look younger so that men find me more attractive. My gut reaction was to email them back with a raging rant about how it’s people like them that still make it so very necessary to even have an International Women’s Day. Yes, women have come a long long way. But, we are not nearly there yet.

I could probably write a dissertation on this topic, but I will start with the media for today…

Let’s take a look at the media attacks on girls and women. Starting as early as a girl is young enough to see, she is bombarded with images of “ugly” before pictures and “beautiful” after pictures on newsstands. She can tell by looks on the women’s faces on the magazines and billboards that they were miserable before they got fixed. They look so much happier after the boob job, lap band, liposuction, face lift, weight loss, and makeover. Before a female child can even read she is being brainwashed to see that prettier means happier. Of course, the male children are seeing all of this as well, and they are being taught the same message. That women are supposed to look a certain way and they should want to look that way. The thing is, this entire system is built to break girls down and make them beauty consumers before they are even old enough to realize it’s happened. By the time a girl gets to high school and is taught about feminism and or meets the cool aunt who tells her it’s okay to be smart and not pretty, it’s too late. The programming has been done already. 

What bothers me the most about the email offering the Botox his morning? Is probably the fact that I considered taking the offer. Despite my strong feminist views and all the deprogramming I have done over the past few years, I am still that girl. I still want to be thin, pretty and young. Part of me still believes the years and years of bullshit I’ve been fed. Old habits die hard. 

Today, on International Women’s Day, I will not put poison in my face to commemorate the day. Instead, I am writing this blog post. 



Back Stabbed In Beverly Hills

8 Nov

There are only a few times in my life that I have been betrayed.

It’s the reason that I am trusting and open. If you have ever met me, or read my blog you will know that I will tell you almost anything about myself.
I assume that every person I cross has the best intentions and a good heart. I have hurt people, I have let people down, pissed them off, disappointed them. I have never gone into a situation purposely to use and hurt a person.

When I began writing this blog I knew that the there would be critics. I expected there to be haters. I heard early on from family members and friends when they didn’t agree with the way I handled a situation or if they thought I did something wrong. I listened to them, thought about it and either applied the advice or disregarded accordingly. I cannot please everyone. No matter what I do, there will always be someone who thinks that I should parent differently,write differently, walk, talk and breath differently. I can’t please everyone, wish I could, but I can’t.
So, I write and I parent and live…

I knew one day might come when someone threw it all in my face.
Well folks, that day has come. An acquaintance in Beverly Hills, about my Mother’s age, has reminded me that there are bad people in the world. She pretended to be my friend and a fan of my blog. She gave me motherly advice and hugged me the last time we saw each other.
She then proceeded to use my blog as a way to frame me and my children in the most negative light that one would ever want to be portrayed in.

My point in writing this is not to get emails of support or outrage against this woman. I believe there is a special place in hell for women who betray other women. There must be an even more exclusive place for mothers who betray other mothers. My point in telling this story is to remind myself and others that not everyone is going to like what you do or what you say. Not everyone is going to be nice to you. You know what? That’s ok. We can’t crumble every time we face one of these people, because for every one naysayer there are twenty people who think you are absolutely fantastic.

For every guy who dumps you there are ten more around the corner.
For every job you lose a better opportunity awaits you.
For every parking space you miss a better one will come up another time.
For every hater there are one hundred supporters.

Everything happens for a reason, even a below the belt hitting Beverly Hills bitch. I just can’t see that reason right now ;)



Range Rover, Range Rover, Send Audi Right Over!

23 Jul

Sometimes I wonder if my kids will be messed up because they are being raised in Beverly Hills. I go back and forth on the matter quite frequently.
If these three children are going to be f**ked up, I want it to be for a legitimate reason, not because they turned into spoiled 90210 brats.

When I picked up my (almost) 8 year old up from camp yesterday, I looked around the parking lot. It was as if Range Rover, Mercedes and Audi had decided to film a commercial for SUV’s there. There were even a few Maserati’s and a DeLorean in the mix. I imagined what this camp pick up parking lot must look like to a person visiting from Anytown, USA.
This isn’t even a fancy pants camp, it’s done through the Beverly Hills Parks and Recreation!
When I’m sitting on the grass with other BH families at a Little League Softball game, I feel like we are like any other town in California.
When I pick my daughter up at camp and she tells me that her friend’s Mom is on a TV show and I should really watch it sometime, I think maybe not so much.
Every city has it’s own issues and drawbacks as well as it’s advantages and perks. When deciding where to raise a family, there are tons of things to consider. Tons. I don’t know if any parent really knows if they made the right choice about where they should raise a family.
I know that so far, all seems to be well in Beverly Hills. Do I think it’s a little odd that tourists from Asian countries take pictures of my daughter and yell out, “Shirley Temple! Shirley Temple!” Yup, totally odd.
Do I think it’s interesting that my kids can hear a song on the radio and say, “Hey, that’s my friend’s Daddy!” And they think that’s totally normal? Yup, totally interesting.
My kids also know the name of our mailman, the UPS guy, our crossing guard, most of our police officers and the name of every dog on our street.
Do I think that’s awesome? Yup, I do.

It can be surreal living here sometimes, but, it’s our real and we like it.



Big Pimpin’ Loud Talkin’

19 May

Loud talkers have got to be the most annoying people on the planet. I’m sitting here at my local Coffee Bean on Beverly Drive trying to write, key word – trying. I am seated next to the loudest of all loud talkers ever.

He’s mid to late 60’s, faded New York accent, shades on, decent looking guy. Still has his hair and a young mans shape. He’s sitting with a group of about four other men his age and they are currently discussing sex. Yuck.

Now, if there is anything worse than a loud talker, it’s a loud talker that talk about inappropriate subject matter in front of children. My kids are all spoken for and signed into their classrooms.
The woman sitting next to me is not so lucky. She is with her daughter who looks to be about 8 years old. I want to warn the mother that she should probably just leave now. I’ve been sitting next to this guy for 20 minutes and she should take her daughter and leave before she hears something that can’t be unheard.

Loud talker: I mean come on guys, we aren’t fu**ing gorgeous women like we used to and we should be. We are good looking guys! I looked like Tom Selleck in the 70’s.

His Friend: I love you man. Let me show you pictures of me from the 80’s, I was a handsome son of a bitch. Like a young Jerry Seinfeld, but funnier.

Loud Talker: I was a Hair Stylist, I could make you look 10 years younger. You could get some real tail with my help. Isn’t this weather amazing?! I don’t have to worry that I will come home and my cat will be dead!

It was after this strange cat statement that the Mother sitting next to me decided to get up with her daughter and leave. I wonder what the final straw was for her. Was it when he said, f**cking gorgeous women or was it when he talked about his possibly dead cat?

Today’s post is dedicated to you Mr. Loud Talker. Not only are you loud and disruptive, you are offensive and totally odd all at the same time. People are right, L.A. Is full of untapped talent.



The Actress, Cross Dressing, and Elvis

23 Jan

My oldest daughter HB (7) has been apart of an amazing musical theater program for the past year. She takes her singing and acting quite seriously. Dramatic delivery is a part time job for the women in this family. Or so I’ve been told.

Her big show is coming up this weekend and lo and behold, she isn’t feeling completely confident because she doesn’t know all her lines. She’s panicking. Panicking in this pint sized Drama Queen is anything but pretty. When she panics, the house panics.

The crying, the tears, the hysterics began on Tuesday night. Our initial conversation went something like this:

HB: I’m freaking out! I don’t know all my lines and I feel so much pressure to do my homework and learn my lines and eat healthy and be a big sister!

Me: Calm down. We will learn your lines together. You are a wonderful actress, student and big sister. Everything will be fine.

HB: I am very worried. I want to do great at my show. I want to be a real actress. I don’t want to end up like that guy who wears a bra and panties in Hollywood and thinks that we actually BELIEVE that he’s a woman! That is bad acting. I don’t want to end up like that.
The same with the guy ACTING like Elvis, everyone knows Elvis is very old and dead!

There you have it folks. My 7 year old is terrified that she is going to end up like a cross dressing man that stands in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood and sings for tips. Raising kids in the city has perks and quirks, thinking this is definitely leaning towards the quirky side.

From the mouths of babes.



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