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Nine Years In and All Is Well

6 Oct

I never thought these words would come out of my mouth…. Here I go….my children are growing up way too fast.

 It’s really starting to hit me, actually slap me in the face that my babies aren’t babies anymore. They aren’t even toddlers or preschoolers. They are school aged kids! The twins are 5 and a half and in Kindergarten and HB is 9 and in 4th grade. For me this is the sweet spot of motherhood. Some people adore babies. They say that they are so easy and sweet. I find babies to be complex and terrifying. The lack of communication scares the daylight savings out of me. When I have a newborn my inner dialog goes something like this twenty four seven “Are they cold, are they hot, are they hungry, are they sick, what time is it, where am I, is this phase over yet?!” The toddler years get better for me because at least they can scream and throw things at me to tell me what they want and need. Preschool years keep looking up as they go to school for a couple of hours a day and sleep is actually a consistent reality. 

Now, Kindergarten. I have to say that it is wonderful. All 3 kids can dress themselves, buckle into their own booster seats, and go to the bathroom on their own. They can sit through a movie in the theater, they can be left alone in the other room while I take a shower or make dinner most of the time. 

No diapers, no high hairs, no changes of clothes, no sippy cups, no blankies, no baby bjorns, no strollers. All of the gear has been traded off for bike helmets, soccer cleats, Barbie dolls, chapter books, and costumes. 

I’m loving this phase. Watching them play sports and perform in shows. Seeing them excel in school, make friends, and bond as siblings. This is the golden age of being a mom if you ask me. No two year old tantrums and no teenage angst. The problem is that just as the baby years are behind me, soon these years will be over too. I wish I could bottle them up just as they are and keep it this way forever. I suppose all I can do is try to drink in every moment I have with them. Hold their hands and cuddle them tight while they still let me. Savor the time that I have with them during these years. Because before I know it I will be writing a blog post about the trials and tribulations of having three teenagers and how I remember the good old days. Or maybe I will be whining and crying about how I lost my mind and had a fourth baby just when things were looking golden. One never really knows.


Is That a Soul Mate In Your Pocket or are you Just Happy To See Me?

31 Aug

I totally disagree with the notion that your soul mate in life has to be your spouse.

I will say that I have been lucky enough to experience the lovey-dovey side of the concept.

The feeling that your romantic partner is, in fact, your soul mate, is truly the pinnacle of ultimate happiness. There is no better feeling than lying in the grass with someone and being certain that you have found the person who makes you feel whole.

No matter how short lived, everyone should be able to feel at least once in life that their boyfriend/fiancee’/husband can be a best friend, lover and inspiration to them, all at once.

I also have to say, that I have had far more experiences with women, friends, where I feel like they are my soul mates, much more than I have men.

I have crossed paths with women time and time again where I feel like they just “get” me. Somehow, we are on the same wavelength, the same page. These type of friends can sense what you need before you tell them. Even though they might be from a farm in Nebraska and you are from a Beverly Hills estate, it still feels as if you have walked the same path.

I’ve also figured out that the people who go around announcing that they are your best friend/soul mate/other half, usually aren’t.

It’s the people who give you that quick glance and nod, when they know you need it the most. The people who remember that today was a big day for you and call just to check-in. Those people who aren’t keeping score, they do for you because they want to. The women who share their stories of Postpartum Depression, Miscarriage, and loss with you, even though you just met them at The Park.

Knowing that there are people out there roaming the world who I have an innate connection with is comforting. Believing that there isn’t just one true soul mate for me, but instead, quite a few, makes me feel less isolated.

The human experience doesn’t have to be as lonely as we make it. Try looking around, chances are there is a person right near you that understands you more than you might think they do.



Wiping Asses For 7 years – I Should Be Getting The Gifts and Goody Bags.

10 Aug

Today is HB’s 7th Birthday. The anniversary of the day that I became a Mother. For those of you who know me personally, or those who have been reading my blog faithfully, you already know how I feel about that day and the year that followed.

I imagined a sleeping angel in a pristine nursery. I got a screaming firecracker with severe acid reflux, and a room constantly covered in vomit.

I envisioned long walks pushing my shiny stroller and slumbering newborn. What I got was a baby that wailed when she got within 10 feet of a stroller. The screaming only stopped if she was on my chest and I was standing up and rapidly pacing like someone with a serious nervous disorder.

I knew there would be long nights and many feedings. I didn’t know that I would have a human attached to my breast for approximately 20 hours a day for months on end. I was a human pacifier. Literally.

The sleep deprivation wasn’t the same as I had remembered from finals week in College. This was different. I was alone, in the dark with a tiny human who’s life depended on me.
The hallucinations from the lack of sleep weren’t nearly as fun as the ones I remember from the acid I dropped at the OC fair 20 years prior.

I am elated and overjoyed to say that the vomiting, screaming and boob addiction subsided long ago. HB is an outgoing, healthy and absolutely hilarious girl.

If someone had told me what Motherhood was really going to look like, I wouldn’t have believed them. If someone had told me that HB would turn out to be a bright independent 7 year old, I would have laughed. If someone had told me that I would go on to have two more children, twins, nonetheless, I would have thought that person was nuts or highly intoxicated.

August 10, 2013 – I’ve been a Mother for 7 years. I have 3 children. It has been light years from what I expected.

What’s the take away from all this for me?

Stop expecting, stop preparing, stop predicting.
Sit back and enjoy the ride, because it’s not going to be anything like what I expected anyways. This ride is going to be incredibly scarier and insurmountably sweeter than I ever could have imagined.



Childbirth – Sometimes drugs are the only answer.

29 May

I had dinner last week with two women who are a few years younger than I am, both single and without kids. After a couple drinks the woman who I had just met that night through my other friend looked at me point blank and confessed, “My biggest fear in life is childbirth, how did you do it three times?!?!”

It’s funny, before I had children I remember being terrified of childbirth too. The thought of being out of control and without the ability to turn back. The concept that once I was pregnant the only way to get that baby out was to deliver it, horrified me. Today, as a woman who has delivered 3 children, I can honestly say it wasn’t that bad. I would also like to say, why the hell didn’t anyone tell me that it wasn’t going to be that bad?!

For those of you that read my blog and have not had kids yet, I would like to take this opportunity to ease your mind so listen up:

If you get an epidural to help with the pain during childbirth, it doesn’t hurt that bad!

It’s uncomfortable, exhausting, frustrating and at times annoying. Having Velcro monitors wrapped around your enormous swollen itchy belly that beep every time your move, is not fun. Having people stick things in your vagina while a 7 pound object is trying to descend out of said vagina, also not fun. Having your family squeeze clown car style into a hospital room just to stare at the freak show you have become, totally not fun. But, I promise you none of this is excruciating or horrifically painful.

Now, all that being said, if you choose to be a much braver person than I am and forego the epidural then you are on your own girlfriend. All I know is that with my first I tried to go as long as I could without getting one. They told me in birthing class that I should try to see how far I can go naturally. By the time I caved in and the anesthesiologist was paged, I was hunched over sobbing, muttering over and over, “Why isn’t he coming? What if he never comes? Why isn’t he here yet? Why is he doing this to me? Why isn’t he coming?” he finally arrived and I’m pretty sure that I told him that he as the love of my life. At that moment, he really was.

By the time I arrived at the hospital to deliver my second and third children, the scenario was a little bit different. We parked, I checked in, and I immediately requested my epidural and any and all allowed drugs.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t be scared to have kids because of giving birth. I assure you that everything that happens after you bring the baby home is much more terrifying.

Those of you that disagree with me – feel free to pipe in in the comments section. Those of you that gave birth in your backyard in a blow up pool and think I am evil for promoting the use of a hospital and drugs during labor, I look forward to reading your emails privately later this evening.



Love At First Sight- The Same As Fairies and Psychics?

24 May

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’ve been asking myself this lately. The conclusion I came up with is that it depends on the type of love you are talking about and what an individual person believes.

It’s a lot like G-D. Some people believe in G-D with all their heart. They can’t see him and they have no absolute proof of his existence. They just know deep inside that he is real.

I find its the same with love at first sight. You either trust and believe in your soul that it exists or you just don’t.

Is there such a thing as fate? Does your soul know when it has found it’s mate? Is true love a myth?

I always believed in soul mates. I also always believed that the moment I held my newborn child that I would feel such overwhelming love my heart would burst.

Now, I’m not so sure.

I have held three of my own brand new babies in my arms after long and painful labors. I can honestly say, what I was feeling was not exactly blissful love and joy.
It took me awhile to truly bond with them and realize the never ending and unconditional love I have for my children. It really wasn’t “love at first sight” like I was told it would be.

I definitely believe that when it comes to the opposite sex that there is lust at first sight. It’s a physiological and chemical reaction, I get it.

When I met my current best friend in College, I didn’t like the looks of her. Something about her just irked me. She turned out to be one of the most amazing women I have met to this day and a steadfast friend.

An instant connection with a stranger that will last a lifetime… I want to think that it exists.
I also want to believe that all people are truly good deep inside and that there is Heaven. I don’t have an ounce of proof for either of those things either.

I have loved shoes, houses, sunsets, clothes, art, and songs in that first moment. As for Men, friends and children, I remain on the fence and unconvinced.
For now….



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