Tag Archives: Birthday

Wiping Asses For 7 years – I Should Be Getting The Gifts and Goody Bags.

10 Aug

Today is HB’s 7th Birthday. The anniversary of the day that I became a Mother. For those of you who know me personally, or those who have been reading my blog faithfully, you already know how I feel about that day and the year that followed.

I imagined a sleeping angel in a pristine nursery. I got a screaming firecracker with severe acid reflux, and a room constantly covered in vomit.

I envisioned long walks pushing my shiny stroller and slumbering newborn. What I got was a baby that wailed when she got within 10 feet of a stroller. The screaming only stopped if she was on my chest and I was standing up and rapidly pacing like someone with a serious nervous disorder.

I knew there would be long nights and many feedings. I didn’t know that I would have a human attached to my breast for approximately 20 hours a day for months on end. I was a human pacifier. Literally.

The sleep deprivation wasn’t the same as I had remembered from finals week in College. This was different. I was alone, in the dark with a tiny human who’s life depended on me.
The hallucinations from the lack of sleep weren’t nearly as fun as the ones I remember from the acid I dropped at the OC fair 20 years prior.

I am elated and overjoyed to say that the vomiting, screaming and boob addiction subsided long ago. HB is an outgoing, healthy and absolutely hilarious girl.

If someone had told me what Motherhood was really going to look like, I wouldn’t have believed them. If someone had told me that HB would turn out to be a bright independent 7 year old, I would have laughed. If someone had told me that I would go on to have two more children, twins, nonetheless, I would have thought that person was nuts or highly intoxicated.

August 10, 2013 – I’ve been a Mother for 7 years. I have 3 children. It has been light years from what I expected.

What’s the take away from all this for me?

Stop expecting, stop preparing, stop predicting.
Sit back and enjoy the ride, because it’s not going to be anything like what I expected anyways. This ride is going to be incredibly scarier and insurmountably sweeter than I ever could have imagined.



The Terrible Two’s can Kiss my A** !

9 Apr

ImageToday, the twins turn 3 years old.

We survived the terrible two’s times two plus an older handful of a sibling. I’m not going to say that it was easy. It has been exhausting, anxiety ridden, and quite miserable some of the time.

The moments in between the screaming, fighting, hitting, biting, tantruming, fevers, vomiting, and food throwing have been such sacred occasions that I am given enough strength to just keep going.

Every night, after I tuck them into their toddler race car and princess beds, and say goodnight and re-tuck them in and give 50 more kisses and double check for MAWNSTERSSSS IN THA CLAWWWSET, they finally settle down and I can hear them talking to each other.

It usually goes something like this :

TR: Brother are you sleeping?

JH: No, I no sleeping. What you doing?

TR: You want to be my bestest friend?

JH: If we place race cars then ok tomorrow.

TR: Goodnight Brotha

JH: Stop talking, I sleeping over here.

That is what keeps me from running away from the chaos and noise. That little conversation gives me what I need to make it through another night and insane morning.

My 6.5 year old woke me up this morning at 5am and said, lets go wake the twins, it’s their birthday! I told her if she moved another muscle that she would be in timeout for a week. I’m sentimental and lovey dovey but I’m not insane. At least not yet.

Goodbye Terrible Two’s and hello to the Adorable Well Behaved Sharing Loving Non Biting Potty Trained Sleeping Through the Night THREE’S!



Six Going On Sixteen Is Still Only Six

6 Aug

I’ve been a little weepy today. Not that it takes that much to make me cry. I cry (sob) in all sad movies. I cry occassionally in the middle of the night when I rock my babies. I have cried watching a stunning sunset. Today I cried in a Party City parking lot. Not because it was a particularly inspirational parking lot, but because I had just bought plates and banners and tiaras and all the fluff that goes along with a 6 year old birthday party.

My HB turns 6 on Friday and for some reason it feels different than all the other Birthdays. She feels like a big kid, an almost first grader, definitely not my baby anymore. As I watch her style her own hair in the morning and plan her outfit for the day, I just can’t believe that it was only six years ago that she was a horrifically difficult newborn. HB and I were definitely not a story of love at first sight. In fact, it took me quite a while to get used to her. It took me a good six months to accept that she was mine and that she was here for the long haul. I was terrified that I would mess her up or even worse.

I listen to her explain to her little brother and sister that if they sit nicely then they will get their strawberries faster. I see her hold her sister’s hand when they walk downstairs just to make sure she’s safe. I listen to her read entire chapter books out loud to me every night. She requests her favorite songs as soon as we hit the car and not surprisingly, my daughter likes her non-kid music LOUD.

I haven’t messed her up. I’ve actually done a pretty good job. So far. If we can just make it through the teen years unscathed then I will really feel like I’ve done my duty.

People always comment that she seems like she’s almost 6 going on 16. The truth is, she still sneaks in my room almost every night around 2am and cuddles up with me. That’s how I know that even though it took us awhile to fall in love with each other, we eventually did. It also reminds me that no matter how much lip gloss she puts on, she is still only 6.


Did you love you baby at first sight?


What To Buy A Beverly Hills Kid Who Already Has A Pony

19 Jul

My girlfriend JLO, yes those are her real initials, asked me the other day what I spent on average on a kid’s birthday present. I think a lot of Moms wonder the same thing. Here’s my take on the birthday party gift giving circuit on the Westside of L.A. – Average amount to spend :$40-$90.

There are a few determining factors when deciding how much to spend:

1. How well does your kid know the other kid? Do they have play dates?
2. Are you friends with the parents? Do you want to remain friends with the parents? You would be surprised how seriously some people take the sport of gift giving.
3. Is this kid one zebra short of owning their very own live zoo? Then don’t bother trying to impress. With these folks it’s the thought that counts. (unless your giving a zebra)
4. Some people abide by the amount spent per child on the party, is the amount that should be spent on the gift philosophy. I think this theory is plain ridiculous.
5. If the child is your child’s infanthood BFF your looking at a heftier price tag.

I would guess most families attend at least two birthday parties a month, and let’s assume they spend $50 on the present. Let’s also not forget that a lot of these people have more than one child. That’s right folks, we are looking at about $2400 a year in Birthday presents for children under 6. What are we going to give these kids for their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and Sweet Sixteens?!

I’m no Mother Theresa ( spare your snarky comments please) but I’ve been known to give gifts that put less emphasis on the toy and a little more on giving back. It was easier to get away with this when the kids were younger because they didn’t know any better. Now, they are all old enough to rip through the tissue paper and scream, “Hey, HB didn’t give a gift! Just a certificate with a picture of a kid on it!”
I think I’m going to start doing it more often and let the parents explain why they have one less Barbie doll, and instead a kid will have clean water to drink for a week.


What do you think? Am I depriving kids the thrill of getting a gift?


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