Tag Archives: kids

Blessed as F*ck

30 Mar

There are days when I text friends and say things like,

“If I don’t get a big break from them soon I am going to start drinking.”

What’s interesting about texts like that are that I’m not trying to be funny, I am actually dead serious. There are days that these kids push me to the edge of my sanity. To the point where I wholeheartedly understand the mother on Oprah who was locked in her laundry room with a vodka bottle while her three kids banged on the door.

My kids seem to find a way to locate every last nerve and twist, pinch and flick them until I am a frayed band of sliced strings holding on for dear life. How’s that description of what it’s like with three spirited kids for ya? Pretty different from what you hear all over Facebook about everybody being blessed and grateful and even more blessed.

I suppose I’m just shocked that this gig is still hard, even though I don’t have any babies or toddlers in the house anymore. It’s getting easier is so many ways, I will give you that. I no longer have to worry about one of my kids running into oncoming traffic just because, why the fuck not? That’s what little kids do. The days of even thinking twice about anyone choking on a foreign object that looked “yummy” are long gone. Even my concerns about a stranger randomly picking them up and taking them have waned. I can barely carry any of them from the couch to their bedrooms without killing my back.

The issues are different now. They refuse to do their homework, take showers, stop hitting each other, get dressed for parties, eat dinner, clean up, go poop, stop picking their noses, stay in their own rooms all night, stop hitting each other, sleep in later, stop hitting each other!!!

On good days they won’t do all these thing at once, on bad days they do all of the above and pull out their special tricks, like my son loves to say the word FUCK. The kid adores the word fuck as much as I love frozen yogurt and that’s a lot. It’s funny the first few times, but then it’s not.

Mother’s Log – Yesterday, 7:30pm: I am on the tail end of the stomach flu. My 10-year old is hysterically sobbing and faux convulsing because she cannot believe I am so cruel to want her to take another shower when she just took one the day before, my 6-year old son is in my face yelling F-U-C-K over and over and over, meanwhile, his twin sister has decided she is going to use permanent marker to write all her friends’ names on the living room wall. (plus emojis) 

Would I want to be me, today, 39 and childless? No way. Do I love them so much sometimes that is scares me? Totally. Do I realize how unbelievably lucky I am that my children and I are healthy? I truly do. Is it still really hard at the end of the day to look at the permanent marker on my wall and dark circles underneath my eyes and say I am blessed? Yup.

xoxo

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What I Really Want to Say to Newlyweds Dying to Have Kids

20 May

1. Don’t have kids.

2. Okay, fine, have kids. But wait until you absolutely have to have them. Like, to the point where either your eggs are so old they are about to rot OR when you start dreaming about kidnapping other women’s babies. Then, do what you have to.

3. When you finally do make the totally irrational decision to have kids, remember, trying to prepare is a complete waste of time. No book, class or YouTube video can prepare you for what you are about to experience. Just go to sleep. Sleep as much as you can. Because you will never sleep again.

4. When you find yourself knocked up: The baby registry. I had a baby registry. When I go back and read it now, it’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever composed besides my birth plan. How I so carefully chose each onesie, each bottle, and every last item they could market to a first time mom. I spent months gathering the perfect stash. Here’s what you really need: A box of newborn size diapers, cheap onesies, a bassinet, formula or your boobs, and a shit load of cheap burp cloths. Everything else is decorative. 

5. When people ask how many kids you want, you sound stupid when you gaze into each other’s eyes and say, “four or five at least.” I know young new love is intoxicating, but sober up. Start with one baby and go from there. Besides, have you even considered where your four or five kids will go to public school? Or how you you will pay for the house in the good public school district for the kids to attend said school? Or will you be paying the $30,000 yearly tuition per child starting at the age of two? Exactly. 

6. Planning on going back to work and having Mary Poppins care for your angel? Let me save you a tremendous amount of heartache here. The perfect nanny doesn’t exist. A loving educated person to raise your child exactly as you would who also cleans your house and does your laundry all while keeping the bambinos safe and the dog fed…. This woman is a myth. If you go looking for her and on top of it offer to pay her $12 an hour, then everyday will become take your baby to work day for you. Pick your battles. No nanny is going to be you. No nanny is Wonder Woman. Find someone who genuinely enjoys children, believes in honest work and values safety. Everything else is negotiable.

7. If you have a problem with the smell of poop then this kid thing is not going to work out well for you.

8. If you absolutely must have kids, I will admit, but only this once, that in the end, it’s worth it. It’s hard and scary and exhausting and painful. Being a mother is also at the core of my being the most ultimately divine and important thing I have ever done and will ever do in my life.  But let’s just keep that between you and I.
xoxo

  

Fight Club – Youth Division

19 May

I QUIT. I am aware that I have said this before. I am also totally aware that this is totally un-PC and inappropriate and probably will cause mucho hate emails. Guess what? I don’t give a damn. Because after today I am convinced that I have three beautiful healthy children that quite possibly have driven me to the edge.
The screaming amongst them has reached a fever pitch. The number of blows exchanged could qualify them for Fight Club youth edition. Not to mention that I seem to have spawned a little vampire in my crew. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that!” He just takes a chunk of flesh from the other kids on the playground.
My oldest (6) told me today that I was the worst Mom ever and that I should lose my job. It’s funny she should say that. They can’t fire me, I am so outta here. I really can’t imagine anything that would make me reconsider my resignation at this point. No salary increase, no senior position, not even an all inclusive paid vacation to Anguilla would work.
Today, at this moment, I have reached my Mommy limit. Chances are I will still be here in the morning. Even after a day from hell, I somehow always manage to stick around.
I’m assuming that’s what love makes you do. Even when you are exhausted, hurt, drained and barely sane, you find a way to stay and love just a little bit more. I had no idea what I was getting into when I became a mother. I definitely had no idea what life would be like with twins plus a 3 year old.
I often repeat this quote in my head-

“Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”

I still quit. Just maybe for a couple of hours or so.

xoxo

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City of Sin and Sparkle

19 Feb

I used to firmly believe that Las Vegas was not my kind of town.
The City of Sin. Hedonism taken out of hiding and put on display in neon lights for all the world to bask in the tainted glow.

I seem to have lightened up a bit over the years.

I still don’t gamble and I’m not really a Bud Light at 10am kind of girl. I have no desire to pay money to see a man who is probably gay and/or married to take off his clothes and act like he likes me. I don’t want to go to an all you can eat steak and seafood buffet and gorge until my pants pop.

Last weekend I went to Vegas without the kids and had a fantastic time. I know what you are thinking, well of course you did, you didn’t have the kids!
It was more than that, I swear. I didn’t do anything that was against my conscience or that I felt was leading the world down a slippery slope to devil-land.

I experienced beautiful art by one of my favorite artists right in my own hotel suite. I strolled through a stunning garden filled with the brightest tulips I have ever laid eyes on. I walked, and I admit slightly twitched my way through a live butterfly greenhouse. I ate creatively divine meals in spectacular dining rooms and sat beneath Swarovski chandeliers that could blind you with the bling factor.

Las Vegas actually is my kind of town. I love all things glittery and sparkly, I never say no to an over the top outfit and I believe when it comes to sleep, I can do that when I’m dead.

Just like everything else in life, your experience is what you make of it. You can choose to see the bad or really open up your mind and experience the shiny and good.

xoxo

How do you feel about Vegas? Skip it or See it?

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The Things I Am Thankful For – Part 2

22 Nov

Yesterday I wrote about the things I am not thankful for. Today, I’ll tell you a few things I am grateful for.

1. My health – If you don’t have your health, then money and possessions become worthless. Every time I even feel a little sick I remind myself that there are people living with chronic illnesses. They would probably give up everything just to feel healthy.
2. My 3 children – As much as I complain about the filth and exhaustion and vomit. I do realize how amazingly blessed I am to have been able to conceive my kids and have the opportunity to raise them in a safe place surrounded by people who love them.
3. My husband – He is kind, generous, a great father and he still thinks I’m smoking hot after 3 babies and 9 years of looking at me.
4. My Girls – What would I do without my girlfriends? I would probably be very lonely and getting into lots of trouble, if it weren’t for the strong women who guide me, love me and laugh with me.
5. The privilege of living in a country where I am free to choose how many children I want. I am free to choose my own government representatives. My husband and I are free to stay safely at home while American Soldiers defend us. I am free to write this blog and say what I want to say without the risk of punishment.
6. My family – I know that no matter what happens in life, I will never be alone. There will always be a member of the Gluck clan right around the corner….

Happy Thanksgiving!

xoxo

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