Tag Archives: maserati

Child Eating Squirrels – aka Childproofing

29 May

Dear G-D, (or whomever is residing over all things good)

Today I am feeling especially thankful.
No, I am not under the influence of any mind altering substances.

The List:

1. Summer Camp. If it wasn’t for the bright light of camp starting just a week after school gets out, I would have nothing to strive for. Even if I had to pay in teeth, I would get myself some dentures and write the check.

2. The family across the street. They have five children. The screaming that comes from that house makes the screaming that comes from my house seem much less painful.

3. Froyolife. It is my reward, my comfort, and my hangout. It is also my reason for still having those last 10 pounds. It’s fine, I can blame my hips on the twins.

4. Hot Dogs. Without these disgusting excuses for food my son might actually starve. Literally.

5. Black Tights. I can wear a skirt that leaves little to the imagination without being “THAT Mom.”

6. Benadryl. Because I know that if worse comes to worse, and I can’t take another minute of my psychotic children, I can always break out the “allergy medicine.”

7. Kat Dennings, Christina Hendricks, and Catherine Zeta Jones. For reminding me that I am not fair haired, bronze skinned, a size 2, or a flat chested waif and I am finally (FINALLY) finally alright with that.

8. The Crossing Guards of Beverly Hills. Without them I would definitely be serving a life sentence after killing some moron in a Maserati racing through a school crosswalk. I don’t give a flying fu–how much you paid for that car, slow down loser.

9. The Squirrels that live in the trees in our front yard. When JH, my 3 year old son tries to escape the house via the front door when I’m not looking, all I have to yell is, “I hope the squirrels don’t get you!” Works every time.

10. My 3 little monkeys. They show me how absolutely wonderful life is. They make me want to be a better Woman, a better Mother, and an example to them of how to live life as it is meant to be lived. They have shown me that life is meant to be lived not just endured.

xoxo

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Mama in a push up bra

5 May

I ventured out into the land of the single and free last night. Once in awhile I have the urge to pile on the makeup, put on the stilettos and teeter out past dark. This is best done with single girlfriends who are a few years younger than myself. Young and single friends get beyond excited to see their Mommy friend free from her cage and pumped up with cocktails. It’s an exchange, I get a glimpse of the life I left behind and they get a peek at what they have coming. I always have fun on these occasional outings and get my thrill fill for awhile. Reflecting on last night spent at a prime outdoor booth at the Four Seasons on Doheny here’s what I learned:

1. I’m not as old as I think I am,

2. There are a lot more Bentleys, Rollses and Maseratis in LA than I realized,

3. I never want a facelift,

4. Alcohol is the devil’s syrup,

5. I will never pull off a white dress like that hot Russian girl,

6. Christian Louboutins seem to be the new Steve Maddens,

7. Rocco DiSpirito is quite attractive in person,

8. Mickey Rourke is not,

9. Cigar smoke isn’t sexy, and

10. Winking is not a way of flirting, it’s just glorified twitching.

xoxo

Do you have a regularly scheduled girls night? Do you find Mickey Rourke attractive?

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