Tag Archives: parenting

Blessed as F*ck

30 Mar

There are days when I text friends and say things like,

“If I don’t get a big break from them soon I am going to start drinking.”

What’s interesting about texts like that are that I’m not trying to be funny, I am actually dead serious. There are days that these kids push me to the edge of my sanity. To the point where I wholeheartedly understand the mother on Oprah who was locked in her laundry room with a vodka bottle while her three kids banged on the door.

My kids seem to find a way to locate every last nerve and twist, pinch and flick them until I am a frayed band of sliced strings holding on for dear life. How’s that description of what it’s like with three spirited kids for ya? Pretty different from what you hear all over Facebook about everybody being blessed and grateful and even more blessed.

I suppose I’m just shocked that this gig is still hard, even though I don’t have any babies or toddlers in the house anymore. It’s getting easier is so many ways, I will give you that. I no longer have to worry about one of my kids running into oncoming traffic just because, why the fuck not? That’s what little kids do. The days of even thinking twice about anyone choking on a foreign object that looked “yummy” are long gone. Even my concerns about a stranger randomly picking them up and taking them have waned. I can barely carry any of them from the couch to their bedrooms without killing my back.

The issues are different now. They refuse to do their homework, take showers, stop hitting each other, get dressed for parties, eat dinner, clean up, go poop, stop picking their noses, stay in their own rooms all night, stop hitting each other, sleep in later, stop hitting each other!!!

On good days they won’t do all these thing at once, on bad days they do all of the above and pull out their special tricks, like my son loves to say the word FUCK. The kid adores the word fuck as much as I love frozen yogurt and that’s a lot. It’s funny the first few times, but then it’s not.

Mother’s Log – Yesterday, 7:30pm: I am on the tail end of the stomach flu. My 10-year old is hysterically sobbing and faux convulsing because she cannot believe I am so cruel to want her to take another shower when she just took one the day before, my 6-year old son is in my face yelling F-U-C-K over and over and over, meanwhile, his twin sister has decided she is going to use permanent marker to write all her friends’ names on the living room wall. (plus emojis) 

Would I want to be me, today, 39 and childless? No way. Do I love them so much sometimes that is scares me? Totally. Do I realize how unbelievably lucky I am that my children and I are healthy? I truly do. Is it still really hard at the end of the day to look at the permanent marker on my wall and dark circles underneath my eyes and say I am blessed? Yup.





Chocolate Is Cheaper Than Cocaine – Addicted

3 Nov



I found the Halloween candy.

Every year as soon as the trick or treating is done and the kids are asleep, I eat a few pieces and then the rest of the candy gets hidden from me by their Dad. Is that really necessary, to have some little chocolate bars and M&M’s stashed away from me like I’m a child? Totally.

I don’t keep any cookies, candy, or chocolate of any kind in my house. I simply can’t be trusted alone in a house with any type of baked good containing chocolate or chocolate candy. I don’t know moderation.
Advising me to eat one tiny piece of chocolate is like putting $100 in a compulsive gambler’s hand, dropping him off at a casino and telling him to only use $5.

Everything would have gone smoothly this year if Halloween wouldn’t have been on a Friday. It being on a Friday meant that I was left home all weekend knowing the candy was lurking somewhere in the house. Teasing me, taunting me, calling my name. I did such an amazing job resisting temptation until Sunday night. Out of the corner of my eye I saw an Elsa themed trick or treat bag shoved in the top of the hall closet, I knew it was all over.
Within minutes of everyone going to sleep I was 5 pieces deep with no signs of slowing.

I tried to talk to myself, “Think of your jeans, they won’t fit if you keep this up.” Nope, kept going.
“This is so unhealthy, awful for your metabolism, bad for your brain.” Nope, moved on to the Snickers.

Finally, finally, I had had enough. I guess that’s the way addiction works. You want what you want when you want it until you don’t want it anymore, and then you wait until you want it again.

As I sat back and looked at all the wrappers I imagined what the kids would say if they walked in and saw them. All my speeches about sugar in moderation and how your body is a precious machine not a trash can. Meanwhile, Mommy had just become a burial ground for every mini twix, snickers and crap candy bar within a mile of the house.

Here’s my take away:

1.Everybody has a weakness, distraction or an addiction. Mine is sugar. Therefore, Halloween is not my friend. I need to come up with a better plan before next year.

2. Children do the things you do, not the things you say you do.
I can preach all I want about healthy eating to my kids, but I need to make sure they see me doing it.

3. I’m going to research an addiction such as sewing or card counting, because then at least I will be able to make myself useful instead of just diabetic.



The Hippy, The Cop and The Phobic Actress – My Treasures

24 Sep

I learned something huge this year that has made me a better person. It might be one of the most important life lessons I have picked up so far. Ready?

People are born who they are.

I am sure of it, without a doubt that humans come with their core spirit in tact when they arrive in this world. I have watched three of my children from birth to the ages of four and eight and they are each unique individuals in their own right.

The biggest opportunity I’ve had to see this is with my twins. They were grown in the same womb, at the exact same time, with all the same conditions. After birth they were fed the same food, slept in the same crib, strolled in the same stroller and played with the same toys.

Yet, these two twins could not be more different.

TR – Is a free spirit through and through. She can’t control herself from screaming along and swirling her hips wildly every time she hears the faintest hint of music.
JH – Covers his ears if the music is too loud and is extremely particular about the tunes he enjoys and those he hates.
TR- Sees a neighbor’s sprinklers soaking their lawn, runs over fully clothed, throws herself to the ground head first to roll in it without a pause.
JH- watches this in horror. Looks at me and in a state of panic yells to his twin sister, “Please! Get up! You are going to get dirty and arrested, that not our lawn!”
This scenario pretty much sums it up. It has been this way as long as I can remember. He is who he is and she is who she is.

Do I believe that a person’s spirit can be altered and even broken? Of course! Can a parent or peers affect the behavior or actions of a child? absolutely! Just as I know now that a human can also be nurtured and spirit lit aglow by those around them who see what makes them shine at their core.

I constantly hear parents trying to figure out what is wrong with their kid. Parents want to know why their child does things differently than their peers. Why are they having a harder time raising or understanding their child than the other parents?

My answer is that yes, there are some kids that really do have developmental and behavioral issues that need to be addressed professionally. For the most part, parents and teachers are missing the point that children are people too. They are born with their own unique spirit. What makes one child light up inside May make another one feel hollow. Children have dynamic personalities before us as parents even get our hands on them.

I’ve learned to take a step back when dealing with my children. What makes one daughter painfully difficult to handle in one situation is also what makes her remarkably easy in another. What makes my son quirky one moment, is also what makes him spectacularly unique the next. What would normally embarrass me about my child, I embrace. Most of the time.

I encourage you to read stories about the childhoods of some of the wold’s greatest scientists, artists, inventors, humanitarians, writers and CEO’s. I can guarantee you that you will find stories of serious quirkiness and major oddball wackiness. I bet their parents will say it was all worth it in the end.



Merida Gets a Makeover – From Heroine to Ho.

21 May

Disney you have done it again. You have managed to find a way to add insult to injury in another Princess related situation. It’s not bad enough that all of the Disney princesses have teensy weeny waists and enormously buoyant breasts, or that they all have minuscule noses and perfectly pink pouty puckers.

But now, they have to be overtly sexy, seductive and sultry.

Case in point: Merida. The strong willed, bow wielding heroine from the movie Brave. Why couldn’t you guys just leave her alone? She was the best thing Disney had done for little girls since Mulan. They even messed that one up when they came out with Mulan 2 which revolves entirely around Mulan getting to marry her dreamboat Officer.

Very recently, Merida got a makeover of the HO variety. Instead of, “I am brave and will follow my heart,” her new message is more of a “Hey big boy you wanna get out of here and go to my place?”
Her hair is no longer a frizzy mop of curls, it is now smoothly cascading over her shoulders. Her waist has been made so small that if she were a real woman she would surely split in half. Her dress is exposing serious cleavage and way more shoulder. She is not wielding her signature bow and arrow in the new images either. After all, a male suitor might not find a strong independent woman attractive.

I don’t only blame Disney for making little girls feel the pressure to be thin, beautiful, and charming. I don’t completely blame Disney for making little girls believe that all they need to do is find a Prince and then life will be complete. After all, I am my daughters biggest role model, not an animated character. But, I would be a fool to think that the media and these fairy tale images are not making a mark on young girls despite what we do to counteract them. My 3 year old can name every single Disney Princess despite the fact that she has only actually seen the movie Mulan. These Princesses become ingrained in their psyches. As do the billboards of greased up underwear clad models on their knees crawling towards a man.

Yes, I am the parent.
Yes, it is my responsibility to decide what enters my house.
Yes, I realize that they can’t live in a bubble.

But, seriously Disney?! How about some social responsibility here? You should have left Merida alone. She gave me hope for the Princess race, she was a Princess I could handle.

Bring the real Merida back. I for one, think the vapid and defenseless new Merida totally sucks.


What do you think? Tell the truth, I can handle it.


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