Tag Archives: park

Sarcasm is Motherhood Set On Fire

6 Aug

My sarcasm level has reached an all time high.

I am still looking at 3 weeks until all the kids are back in school.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how I’ve even made it this far. I am already 10 days deep into Mommy Camp and I am fried. Deep Fried.

6am-8pm, entertaining three children under the age of 7. I swear, just the thought of it gives me hives, literally. As I write this, I have hives on my chest. If there was such a thing as Summer Time Fear Hives, these would be them.

I can handle a week with all of them, no problem. Do a Griffith Park horsey/train day. Do a Long Beach Aquarium adventure. Do a Zimmer Museum outing. Chill at the park one day. But this? Over one month with no camp or school?

I am aware that there are wonderful Pinterest boards full of crafts and cooking projects that I could set up for the kids. Every time I check them out, I think to myself, if I was into this stuff I would have become a school teacher. As for backyard relays and scavenger hunts, again, if I was that energetic and fun, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing about my hate for Summer break.

At this point you might be wondering why I had kids at all… Trust me, I have thought the same thing over the past ten days more than once.

I love being a Mom. I love having three kids. I love spending time with them. I also know that I am a better Mom when exposed to my kids in moderation. In other words, I need my breaks! I crave my alone time. I have to have those few hours while they nap or go to school to recharge and regroup.

A family member once told me that I am not a “natural mother.” I guess that could be interpreted in many different and mostly offensive ways. If needing breaks and adult socialization while being a stay at home Mom makes me “unnatural” then so be it.

For now, I am relying heavily on M&M’s for bribery, the TV for distraction, and the calendar, to mark each day that we get closer to school starting.

Sarcasm and humor are guiding my way as it usually does.

I read an article yesterday that said, children don’t comprehend sarcasm. If that’s the case then I wonder if my kids have understood anything I’ve been saying to them all these years?



Summer Ain’t For Sissies

19 Aug

Camp is officially over for my 6 year old daughter HB. School doesn’t start for another two weeks. What does this mean? It means the next two weeks are going to suck. Big time.

I tried to convince her to do another week of camp but she wants nothing to do with it. Little Miss wants Mommy time. That’s funny, because I want Mommy time too.

My friends who have a similar parenting style to mine totally sympathize with my anxiety over the next couple of weeks. The Mommy Mafia, on the other hand, they don’t understand why in the world I am batting an eyelash. The cherished time with their child conducting science experiments and crafting paper mache elephants sounds glorious to them. These are the same Women who frequently ask me why I don’t carry the twins in double Moby wraps anymore. Oh yes, did you know you can still wear two 25 pound children in slings and strap them to your body wherever you go? I am a person not a pack mule. I met a Woman at The Park today and she told me that she sets up obstacle courses for her kids in the backyard followed by a treasure hunt, concluding with cookie baking. I looked at her as if she had just told me that she was Jesus Christ himself. Where does this Woman get the energy, let alone the will to do that everyday? She did admit that she hadn’t seen the gym or a nail salon in years, so I guess that frees up some time, but still!

I know that being a Mother means being lots of things, a referee, a teacher, a cheerleader, a driver, a boo boo kisser….But I am not Martha Stewart and I am definitely not a Cruise Director. It looks like HB is going to be learning Espanol over the rest of the summer courtesy of Dora the Explorer and Spanish coloring books from the 99 cent store. See, I can be creative.


What are you doing for the rest of the summer? Interested in a dramatic yet delightful 6 year old?

Park Etiquette

19 Jun

Yes, there are rules.

1. Sand toys are for sharing. If you have a problem with that then don’t bring your toys to the park. When it’s time for you to leave and collect your toys, be nice about it. It’s a shovel and Pail not a Ruby and Diamond.
2. There is an unspoken time limit on the swings. When my kid starts flipping out after your kid has been on longer than 10 minutes, it’s time to pull your kid out. Remember, sharing is caring.
3. If a physical altercation takes place, proceed with the following steps:
a. If the kids are under 18 months old just ignore it if it’s a little push. They are barely out of the womb, cut them some slack.
b. if the kids are over 4 years old and about the same age, give them a minute to work it out themselves. You won’t always be there to protect your child so give them a chance to do it themselves.
4. Don’t discipline someone else’s kid. Unless you know the mother well enough to tell her that her kid has issues. Otherwise let the parent do the teaching.
5. If a child looks lost, don’t just stand there, help the poor soul out.
6. All food being eaten in plain sight of the other kids has to be shared. Unless it’s Red Cheetos, don’t give my kids that crap.
7. Automatically assume that any person with a Baby Bjorn strapped to their chest needs your help. I wore one of those things for a year and bending over to do or get anything is impossible.
8. Smile. We are all in the same boat. That boat is at the park, in the hot sun, chasing tiny lunatics through dirty sand.


What would you add to the list?


Screaming Children On Leashes

22 May

The twins despise the stroller. They start screaming at the very sight of their stroller. You would think that they were being strapped to metal spikes with the way they scream and thrash. I have to use every ounce of my strength to push each one down and strap them in. Every morning it’s the same thing, as we head for the door to walk their big sister to school, it starts, “No stroller! No stroller! Walk! Walk!” I understand that two year old want to be somewhat independent and they hate being tied down. But, I am not an octopus and therefore I cannot acommodate getting three small children across major intersections safely. I decided that the least painful solution was to drive HB to school and then walk to the Coffee Bean and Park from the school with one of the the twins on a backpack leash. I could try to hold both of their hands the entire walk, it just never works out that way. They don’t want to feel my hands, they want to be big kids and wear a backpack like their big sister. No problemo you want to be a big kid, here’s your backpack, it looks like a plush puppy and it has a leash attached to it. Now start walking.

I’m going to say that the backpack leashes are a fantastic idea in theory. The problem is when a kid wants to run across a street they don’t wait for the slack in the leash to catch up. When they run and Mommy doesn’t follow they are snapped back like a rubber band. I reserve my right to try the backpack again in the future. If it’s going to possibly keep one of my children safe then I’m all for it. If someone has a problem with it then they can come to my house and  get all of the kids to HB’s school on time and in one piece everyday. There are even clubs and T-shirts against having kids wear the backpacks. Are you frickin’ kidding me? I’m not making them crawl on all fours, bark and drink out of doggy bowls! I’m trying to keep them from being obliterated on Beverly Drive. I guess I just can’t win.

As if everybody in the neighborhood didn’t already know the woman with the screaming children, now I’m the woman with the screaming children on leashes. Awesome.


Would you still hang out with me if my kids were on a leash? Tell the truth…

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