Tag Archives: Poop

Call Me A Party Pooper

5 Oct

I am sick and tired of waking up in pee.

I don’t even know if it’s better or worse that it’s not my own pee. I feel like I have had to deal with with my children’s bodily functions for entirely too long.

I’m not talking about changing their diapers when they were babies or toddlers, I’m talking all the other times. The poop blowouts at The Kids Museum, when you forgot to bring a change of clothes. The time both twins had #2 accidents at the park in 102 degree heat. My all time favorite, the time I was pregnant with the twins and called the doctor hysterically to tell her my water broke at 33 weeks. When in reality, HB, who was newly potty trained had snuck into my bed and simply peed on me.

The twins are 4. Completely potty trained for awhile during the day and very recently both decided to start wearing underwear at night. Great! That’s the way it’s supposed to happen, no pressure from me, child led choice. Awesome.

It’s not going well. Two, sometimes three nights a week if I get lucky, I wake up in urine. If you are wondering why they aren’t in their own beds, it seems that they make it to my bed to tell me that they have to go to the bathroom and instead they climb in, start cuddling and let it flow. Out of the kindness of their little hearts they take turns. Usually only one kid per night, but not always. We also seem to have poop under control. Thank G-D for small favors.

The easy solution? Make them go back to wearing Pull-ups and call it a (dry) night. It doesn’t seem that simple to me or to them. This was their choice that made independently because they felt ready. It is a new skill and a new habit that they are learning that may require some time to perfect. If I tell them that I am taking the power away from them because they didn’t succeed immediately, what am I teaching them? If I lock the door to my bedroom and tell them to figure it out on their own, then I might be saying that I’m not here for them when the shit hits the fan, literally.

This too shall pass, I know. In the grand scheme of things if my biggest problem is that my 4 year olds would rather cuddle with me than go into the cold, bright bathroom in the middle of the night, I will take it. Besides I think I read somewhere that pee was good for your skin, or was that beer? If they start coming into my room and dumping beer on me, then we might have a much more serious problem.



Terrible Two’s Time Two Plus One

24 Jul

I haven’t posted in a few days and I feel bad about it. Yes, I’ve read your emails, texts and Facebook messages asking me why I’ve been missing in action. I just haven’t been able to find my writing voice. It’s not really writer’s block, it’s more that my sense of humor is on hiatus.
The twins have been pretty difficult lately. They seem to be giving up their naps. At 2 years 3 months I find that unacceptable. It’s been going on for two weeks now. I’m not sure how much longer I can put them in their cribs to sing and chat for over an hour just praying they go to sleep. The best part is that during this “nap” time, my girl twin, TR takes off her diaper and smears poop everywhere. Her clothes, crib, wall, hair everything.
When they aren’t refusing to nap, they are climbing bookshelves, tables, throwing things and destroying everything in their path.
I am trying to keep my perspective and humor in tact, but I am struggling.
The good news is, my oldest daughter has been a delight. It’s as if she can sense that Mommy can only handle two little psychopaths in the house at one time.
I know they won’t stay two year olds forever, I find enormous comfort in that.



Headline: Mom Loses Mind – Then Eats Ice Cream

21 Jun

HOUSTON — A Texas mom faces child endangerment charges after police say she was found naked and eating ice cream inside a drug store after leaving her three children alone in a wrecked car.

According to the report from KPRC-TV in Houston, 34-year-old Stephanie Dillard faces one count of child endangerment after police say her car collided with a Houston bus on Friday afternoon.

I totally understand what must have happened to this Woman. I even want to give her the benefit of the doubt. She was driving in the car with her three children, maybe even twin 2 year olds and a five year old. Everything was going fine until one of the twins dropped their snack trap full of fishy crackers on the floor of the car. The child goes ballistic, “Crackers, crackers, crackers, crackers! I need my crackers! Upset by all this commotion, the second child starts wailing and screaming at the top of their lungs, that they can’t handle all this screaming. Finally, the third child decides to start bawling and throws their entire plastic snack trap at the Mother’s head. Did I mention that she was already late to take the oldest child to school, and they are stuck in traffic? She had been with all three kids since 6am which was three hours prior. She had already been pooped on, puked on, and called a horrible Mother all before they even entered the car that day.

She snapped. She sideswiped the city bus, ripped off her gym clothes and ran butt naked towards the Haagen Dazs around the corner. I relate to Stephanie Dillard way more than anyone needs to know. I might actually feel like doing the same thing at any moment on any given day. Not so much the naked part, because I think I look much better with clothes on. The running from the car screaming and getting ice cream? I totally get it.


Tiffany Blue and Poop

30 May

Every morning I am awoken by the desperate screams of my offspring. You would think that they were sleeping in beds with rattle snakes and just realized it. The thing is that no matter how many years it goes on you just never get use to it. If you think an alarm clock is jolting, you should hear my twins scream at 6am and my 5 year old list all her ailments.
The good news is that every once in awhile the kiddies like to mix it up a bit. The screaming wasn’t too intense this glorious morning. Yet of course there was a catch. The catch? Poop. Smeared all over TR’s naked body, her crib sheets, crib, the wall, everything. You name it, she had slimed it. Her diaper had been flung across the room and I will spare the details on the smell of the place. Why did I bother finding the perfect Tiffany blue paint for the nursery walls to only have them covered in crap, literally? Her twin brother stood in his crib laughing and jumping up and down like he was watching the best show ever. It was like a reenactment from a Nat Geo documentary I saw once.
On the up side they say this is a sign of potty training readiness. That’s exactly what I wanted to do right now, potty train the twins. It might be a Xanax kind of day.


Some readers have asked me when and where I blog from. Today I am writing from the Coffee Bean parking lot at Palms and Sepulveda with the twins in their carseats drinking chocolate milks. Living the glamorous life.

Raisin, Sand, Poop.

24 May

If I never hear the following things come out of my children’s mouths ever again that would
be fan-frickin-tastic:

1. Mommy is there poop on my leg?
2. Our fish (fill in the blank) is lying on his back and not moving.
3. I touched our fish (fill in the blank) and he’s still not moving.
4. Mommy have baby in her tummy?
5. Raisin in nose, uh-oh!
6. Sand tastes yummy.
7. Do I look sexy?
8. I used your Clarisonic facial brush to wash the whole shower!
9. Baby drink water from potty. Yummy.



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