Tag Archives: son

You Can Have A Penis And Love Pink.

14 Jan

The tough questions from your kids always come when you least expect them. In the car this morning while rushing to Preschool with all three kids my 4.5 year old son JH, asked me “If a boy likes the color pink does that make him a girl?”

Shit. Here we go, I thought. This is an important topic to me. I want to nail this one. This is a defining moment. How will I define gender and gender stereotypes to my children? Shit.

I blurted out, “Liking pink does not make you a girl. You are a boy if you have a penis and a girl if you have a vagina,” that answer seemed good enough for them, and Preschool drop off continued.

Now that I’m alone at my Coffee Bean and thinking back to what I said, I’m not sure if I did the right thing. I really have no idea what the right thing to say is. I think that the answer to “What makes a boy a boy and what makes a girl a girl?” Is a complicated question in this day and age. For those who are strongly guided by religion I would assume its a no brainer.
For me, it seems like an answer that will change and deviate as my children mature. Am I going to explain to my 8 and 4.5 year olds what transgender, transconfused, or gender neutral is? Not at this point.

When kids are this young, the devil is in the details. They don’t really need all the details of what it technically/sexually/societally means to be a boy or a girl. What they need to know for now is that they are loved and accepted by me no matter what. No matter what colors they like, no matter who they love, no matter what they do, I love and accept them. So, for now, I think my answer was sufficient. Besides, this won’t be the last time they ask. I will have plenty of opportunities to answer them over and over and over again with my words and my actions.

Until they are old enough to wave a flag of any kind I’m just here to help them along their paths the best I can.



Breastfeeding the Future Architects of America

8 Mar

Everybody has an opinion. When I decided to put myself out there and start a blog I don’t think I realized how asinine some of those opinions would be.

There was the email from the woman yesterday who told me that his Chakra must be off center. Um, okay, I will look into that.
The other email that suggested that it’s because my husband and I don’t have the perfect relationship. It’s possible, we’ve considered that. The experts have told us that since we have a firm no fighting and a no “adult discussion in front of the kids” rule, his behavior is probably not caused by that.

There was also my favorite email of all, that suggested his tantrums were caused by the fact that he wasn’t breast fed. Well, his twin sister wasn’t breast fed either and I can count the number of temper tantrums she’s had on one hand. I did however breast feed my oldest daughter, is that why she’s such a spectacular speller?
You can kiss my ass lady.

Most of the feedback that I’ve received since my last post have been truly supportive and amazingly helpful. I am actually starting to believe that he is just having a rough spot and that once I figure out how to help him through this, all will be well.

I’ve been reminded by other Parents who had “difficult” Toddlers and Preschoolers, that I need to count my blessings. He has been thoroughly checked by medical professionals and he is not physically or mentally impaired in any major way.

I have had multiple Mothers of teenage boys and even Parents of grown Men tell me that they had years of hell with their tough little boys. They assured me that once they made it through the rough times it’s been smooth sailing ever since. I’m feeling much more optimistic today than I was last week.

This morning, my little 3 year old monster, I mean son, said to me from his car seat on the way to school
“I’m going to grow up and be just like Frank Gehry so I can build you your own Barbie Dream House.”

Sometimes, to get to pure sweetness and genius you have to sort through the weeds and fog.



Raging Lunatic Has Been Ruled Out – Thank Goodness for Small Favors.

1 Mar

I know in the end everything will be okay.
At this very moment, it really doesn’t feel like it.

I have been through tough times in my own life before. I have felt helpless and hopeless and utterly alone.

These feelings I’m having now, the guilt, the sadness, the heartbreak are something different and greater than the weepy woes of my past. This is my child we are dealing with. As much as I joke and bitch and moan, and then joke and bitch some more – I would do just about anything to make my children feel safe and loved.

Something is going on with my son.

I’m not exactly sure what it is yet, but it’s something.
In the beginning I thought he was just a boy being a boy. I was used to the way my very mature daughter had acted at 3 years old. His older sister was having conversations at his age that rivaled those that I had with most adults.

I would like to think that once I realized his outbursts, rage and tantrums were beyond that of an average kid his age, I acted quickly. I don’t think I acted quickly enough. His teachers assured me that he was doing fine in Preschool and I decided to go with the “boys will be boys” old adage.

Flash forward: less than a year later, we are in deep. For every email and comment I will receive after I publish this recommending a book and a sticker chart to help me, I will show you ten that haven’t worked.

I have had him physically checked repeatedly. I have begged the Pediatrician to find an infected ear more than once. At least if he was in physical pain and that was causing the behavioral issues, we could treat it.

He is nearing the end of his evaluation by the school district. The School Psychologist called to tell me, unofficially, that it doesn’t look like they are going to find anything that they can help me with. He is clearly not Autistic or going to qualify for any kind of assistance through the school district. On one hand, I am relieved beyond belief. On the flip side, what now???
In fact, when she observed him in her office and in his class, he was very bright, and eager to please. After both of her observation days he went on tirades of mega proportions. He can hold it together for a certain amount of time and the BOOM!

I have met with two Therapists multiple times and I still have no solid answers or solutions.
I have spent hours upon hours online and on the phone trying to find someone to help us. It turns out there is a major void in the system. If you have a child who is Autistic or has a clearly defined special need, there are many wonderful places and doctors in Los Angeles to help your child. If you have Medi-Cal or qualify as low income there are fantastic centers that offer every kind of assistance you could imagine.

If your child is over the age of seven, a Child Psychiatrist, can help you. My child isn’t even Four yet.

There are also Developmental Pediatricians, and they sound like exactly what we need. I called yesterday to make an appointment on recommendation from my Pediatrician. The earliest appointment is APRIL, they don’t take any insurance, visit cost is $650-$850 and an average of 3-4 visits to assess child. I better get my ass in shape in case I have to start pole dancing to pay for all this. OMG.

I have two good leads to chase this upcoming week. I can feel my first grey hairs growing in as I dial every number and I’m told that they can’t help me.

Did I mention that he has a twin sister and an older sister? For every well meaning person that tells me, “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” I can feel the grey hairs growing in even faster. This ain’t my first time at the rodeo Thank you very much.

Grateful for the little moments of peace. Beyond grateful that most of the professionals so far have said that this is something he will eventually mature out of, some kids have a rougher time through the Preschool years they say.
Thankful for my family, friends and Xanax.
Most of all, thankful for my children.

I know, in the end, everything will be okay, it always is.



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