Tag Archives: texts

Blessed as F*ck

30 Mar

There are days when I text friends and say things like,

“If I don’t get a big break from them soon I am going to start drinking.”

What’s interesting about texts like that are that I’m not trying to be funny, I am actually dead serious. There are days that these kids push me to the edge of my sanity. To the point where I wholeheartedly understand the mother on Oprah who was locked in her laundry room with a vodka bottle while her three kids banged on the door.

My kids seem to find a way to locate every last nerve and twist, pinch and flick them until I am a frayed band of sliced strings holding on for dear life. How’s that description of what it’s like with three spirited kids for ya? Pretty different from what you hear all over Facebook about everybody being blessed and grateful and even more blessed.

I suppose I’m just shocked that this gig is still hard, even though I don’t have any babies or toddlers in the house anymore. It’s getting easier is so many ways, I will give you that. I no longer have to worry about one of my kids running into oncoming traffic just because, why the fuck not? That’s what little kids do. The days of even thinking twice about anyone choking on a foreign object that looked “yummy” are long gone. Even my concerns about a stranger randomly picking them up and taking them have waned. I can barely carry any of them from the couch to their bedrooms without killing my back.

The issues are different now. They refuse to do their homework, take showers, stop hitting each other, get dressed for parties, eat dinner, clean up, go poop, stop picking their noses, stay in their own rooms all night, stop hitting each other, sleep in later, stop hitting each other!!!

On good days they won’t do all these thing at once, on bad days they do all of the above and pull out their special tricks, like my son loves to say the word FUCK. The kid adores the word fuck as much as I love frozen yogurt and that’s a lot. It’s funny the first few times, but then it’s not.

Mother’s Log – Yesterday, 7:30pm: I am on the tail end of the stomach flu. My 10-year old is hysterically sobbing and faux convulsing because she cannot believe I am so cruel to want her to take another shower when she just took one the day before, my 6-year old son is in my face yelling F-U-C-K over and over and over, meanwhile, his twin sister has decided she is going to use permanent marker to write all her friends’ names on the living room wall. (plus emojis) 

Would I want to be me, today, 39 and childless? No way. Do I love them so much sometimes that is scares me? Totally. Do I realize how unbelievably lucky I am that my children and I are healthy? I truly do. Is it still really hard at the end of the day to look at the permanent marker on my wall and dark circles underneath my eyes and say I am blessed? Yup.





Understanding Women’s Texts – A Beginner’s Guide

18 Jul

We say:  What are you up to this weekend?
We mean:   Are you planning something special for us this weekend?

We say:  How is your day going?
We mean:  Is now a bad time to tell you about the speeding ticket/dent in the car/preschool bill?

We say:  You said you had a business meeting at The Ivy at noon, but I happen to be there too and you weren’t anywhere to be found.
We mean:  Your cheating on me and I’m the crazy stalking type, so your a dead man walking.

We say:  You look cute.
We mean:  You look cute. Now tell me that I look cute/hot/sexy.

We say:  I haven’t heard from you in awhile.
We mean:  Where the f*** have you been all day and why haven’t you texted or called?

We say:  Call me back.
We mean:  Call me back within 30 minutes or I might go Fatal Attraction on you.

We say:  There was a little accident with one of the kids today at The Park.
We mean:  While I was busy gossiping with the other Moms, Junior took a head dive off the top of the big kid slide and has a concussion.

We say:  I love you.
We mean:  I love you.


Did I miss any important lost in translation texts between the sexes? Let me know in the Comments section.

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