Tag Archives: twins

Blessed as F*ck

30 Mar

There are days when I text friends and say things like,

“If I don’t get a big break from them soon I am going to start drinking.”

What’s interesting about texts like that are that I’m not trying to be funny, I am actually dead serious. There are days that these kids push me to the edge of my sanity. To the point where I wholeheartedly understand the mother on Oprah who was locked in her laundry room with a vodka bottle while her three kids banged on the door.

My kids seem to find a way to locate every last nerve and twist, pinch and flick them until I am a frayed band of sliced strings holding on for dear life. How’s that description of what it’s like with three spirited kids for ya? Pretty different from what you hear all over Facebook about everybody being blessed and grateful and even more blessed.

I suppose I’m just shocked that this gig is still hard, even though I don’t have any babies or toddlers in the house anymore. It’s getting easier is so many ways, I will give you that. I no longer have to worry about one of my kids running into oncoming traffic just because, why the fuck not? That’s what little kids do. The days of even thinking twice about anyone choking on a foreign object that looked “yummy” are long gone. Even my concerns about a stranger randomly picking them up and taking them have waned. I can barely carry any of them from the couch to their bedrooms without killing my back.

The issues are different now. They refuse to do their homework, take showers, stop hitting each other, get dressed for parties, eat dinner, clean up, go poop, stop picking their noses, stay in their own rooms all night, stop hitting each other, sleep in later, stop hitting each other!!!

On good days they won’t do all these thing at once, on bad days they do all of the above and pull out their special tricks, like my son loves to say the word FUCK. The kid adores the word fuck as much as I love frozen yogurt and that’s a lot. It’s funny the first few times, but then it’s not.

Mother’s Log – Yesterday, 7:30pm: I am on the tail end of the stomach flu. My 10-year old is hysterically sobbing and faux convulsing because she cannot believe I am so cruel to want her to take another shower when she just took one the day before, my 6-year old son is in my face yelling F-U-C-K over and over and over, meanwhile, his twin sister has decided she is going to use permanent marker to write all her friends’ names on the living room wall. (plus emojis) 

Would I want to be me, today, 39 and childless? No way. Do I love them so much sometimes that is scares me? Totally. Do I realize how unbelievably lucky I am that my children and I are healthy? I truly do. Is it still really hard at the end of the day to look at the permanent marker on my wall and dark circles underneath my eyes and say I am blessed? Yup.





Ready For Takeoff!

20 Dec

When I found out 6 years ago that I was pregnant with twins I was utterly shocked and over the moon ecstatic. It didn’t take that long for the reality to set in because I already had a 3 year old at home and I knew how hard being a mother was. I wasn’t heading blissfully into motherhood, I knew what was waiting for me… Times two.

So, I decided early on that I was going to have to do this my way because it was the only way I was going to survive having three children under 3 and a half. 

My first decision was that I would not be breastfeeding the twins. Not for a second. No debate. It wasn’t up for discussion. As a second time mother I had the confidence to make that choice and not second guess myself. I could have never had don’t that my first, I cared too much about what the experts, the other mothers, and everyone else thought about “what’s best” for my child.

The second decision I made was that I was going to need help. I was not going to be a martyr and try to tell everyone how I did it all alone day after day. I was very clear with my husband that we needed to do everything possible to make sure I was not going to be left alone to take care of all three children when they were little. It really scared me and I don’t think that it’s good for mothers to be scared if they don’t have to be. 

The third decision I made was that we were going to stay close to home. I had friends who traveled everywhere with their kids. Schlepped them on fifteen hour flights as newborns and took toddlers to third world countries all by themselves. I was not going to be doing any of that. The thought of bringing twin toddlers plus their big sister through an airport and onto an airplane to stay in a hotel, sounded like the equivalent of Chinese water torture. I know myself well enough to recognize that I’m just not a laid back enough mom to go with the flow as all three kids melt down on an airplane while they lick strangers armrests, eat nuts off the floor and piss themselves. 

So, I didn’t breastfeed the twins, I had lots of help when they were little and I’ve never taken them on an airplane. All great choices for us. 

This brings us to today. The twins are five and a half and big sister is 9. Tomorrow, I fly with them for the first time. It really feels like a milestone. These little children are actually real people now. They don’t scare the hell out of me anymore and I even feel confident enough to move about the country with them on an airplane for 5 hours! It’s magical and mysterious how time can go so slowly and so fast at the same time. That seems to be a theme here in the motherhood.

Happy Holidays, Safe Travels and Happy New Year!


Do Sharks Have Balls? 

30 Aug

It was a long Summer. Long. 

Although- I am happy to report that it was not as hard as last summer or the summer before or the one before that. I never thought I would say this, but, life is getting significantly easier. Trust me, I had my, “What the fu*k is wrong with you guys?” moments. But the frequency was so much less than it was before. 

I am proud to say that not only did the three children survive, but I did too! I can also report no broken bones, no stitches, no poison ivy and not one child was lost at an amusement park or museum, not even briefly. 

There was a solo trip for the kids and Daddy to Yosemite for 6 days – no sunburns, no emergency room trips and nobody attacked by wild animals. There was some vomiting, haunted hotels and bug bites, but what’s a proper road trip without those things?

There were the days that all three kids went to camp. Those were glorious days. Camp days are just the best. Handing your child over to an overly energetic college counselor who can’t wait to run around in the sun and entertain your kid, is the best feeling in the world.  Besides when the kids are all sleeping, that’s an awesome feeling too.

On days when my guilt kicked in and I figured I should remind the kiddos that the camp counselors aren’t actually their adoptive parents, we hit the beach. We had a beach groove and our own special spot on the sand near the Annenberg Beach House in Santa Monica. Our sunscreen routine was down to a science. Line up in the hallway in bathing suits youngest to oldest (one twin is 3 minutes older) and slowly rotate as I spray each of them. Then hand the sunscreen stick for their faces back and forth to each other in the car until everyone is covered. We conquered fears of seaweed, a phobia of peeing in the ocean, and even fear of sharks. My son (5) will proudly tell you that if a shark tries to eat his sisters he will kick him in the nuts. Solid plan little man. Of course this is coming from the kid who had to overcome his fear of seaweed first.

Summer of 2015. We owned you. No strollers. No diapers. No nap times. 

Fourth grade and Kindergarten (times 2) bring it on. We are ready for you. 

*Of course I would like to reserve the right to adjust my positive outlook once the kids all start acting like   little monsters again.


Call Me A Party Pooper

5 Oct

I am sick and tired of waking up in pee.

I don’t even know if it’s better or worse that it’s not my own pee. I feel like I have had to deal with with my children’s bodily functions for entirely too long.

I’m not talking about changing their diapers when they were babies or toddlers, I’m talking all the other times. The poop blowouts at The Kids Museum, when you forgot to bring a change of clothes. The time both twins had #2 accidents at the park in 102 degree heat. My all time favorite, the time I was pregnant with the twins and called the doctor hysterically to tell her my water broke at 33 weeks. When in reality, HB, who was newly potty trained had snuck into my bed and simply peed on me.

The twins are 4. Completely potty trained for awhile during the day and very recently both decided to start wearing underwear at night. Great! That’s the way it’s supposed to happen, no pressure from me, child led choice. Awesome.

It’s not going well. Two, sometimes three nights a week if I get lucky, I wake up in urine. If you are wondering why they aren’t in their own beds, it seems that they make it to my bed to tell me that they have to go to the bathroom and instead they climb in, start cuddling and let it flow. Out of the kindness of their little hearts they take turns. Usually only one kid per night, but not always. We also seem to have poop under control. Thank G-D for small favors.

The easy solution? Make them go back to wearing Pull-ups and call it a (dry) night. It doesn’t seem that simple to me or to them. This was their choice that made independently because they felt ready. It is a new skill and a new habit that they are learning that may require some time to perfect. If I tell them that I am taking the power away from them because they didn’t succeed immediately, what am I teaching them? If I lock the door to my bedroom and tell them to figure it out on their own, then I might be saying that I’m not here for them when the shit hits the fan, literally.

This too shall pass, I know. In the grand scheme of things if my biggest problem is that my 4 year olds would rather cuddle with me than go into the cold, bright bathroom in the middle of the night, I will take it. Besides I think I read somewhere that pee was good for your skin, or was that beer? If they start coming into my room and dumping beer on me, then we might have a much more serious problem.



The Hippy, The Cop and The Phobic Actress – My Treasures

24 Sep

I learned something huge this year that has made me a better person. It might be one of the most important life lessons I have picked up so far. Ready?

People are born who they are.

I am sure of it, without a doubt that humans come with their core spirit in tact when they arrive in this world. I have watched three of my children from birth to the ages of four and eight and they are each unique individuals in their own right.

The biggest opportunity I’ve had to see this is with my twins. They were grown in the same womb, at the exact same time, with all the same conditions. After birth they were fed the same food, slept in the same crib, strolled in the same stroller and played with the same toys.

Yet, these two twins could not be more different.

TR – Is a free spirit through and through. She can’t control herself from screaming along and swirling her hips wildly every time she hears the faintest hint of music.
JH – Covers his ears if the music is too loud and is extremely particular about the tunes he enjoys and those he hates.
TR- Sees a neighbor’s sprinklers soaking their lawn, runs over fully clothed, throws herself to the ground head first to roll in it without a pause.
JH- watches this in horror. Looks at me and in a state of panic yells to his twin sister, “Please! Get up! You are going to get dirty and arrested, that not our lawn!”
This scenario pretty much sums it up. It has been this way as long as I can remember. He is who he is and she is who she is.

Do I believe that a person’s spirit can be altered and even broken? Of course! Can a parent or peers affect the behavior or actions of a child? absolutely! Just as I know now that a human can also be nurtured and spirit lit aglow by those around them who see what makes them shine at their core.

I constantly hear parents trying to figure out what is wrong with their kid. Parents want to know why their child does things differently than their peers. Why are they having a harder time raising or understanding their child than the other parents?

My answer is that yes, there are some kids that really do have developmental and behavioral issues that need to be addressed professionally. For the most part, parents and teachers are missing the point that children are people too. They are born with their own unique spirit. What makes one child light up inside May make another one feel hollow. Children have dynamic personalities before us as parents even get our hands on them.

I’ve learned to take a step back when dealing with my children. What makes one daughter painfully difficult to handle in one situation is also what makes her remarkably easy in another. What makes my son quirky one moment, is also what makes him spectacularly unique the next. What would normally embarrass me about my child, I embrace. Most of the time.

I encourage you to read stories about the childhoods of some of the wold’s greatest scientists, artists, inventors, humanitarians, writers and CEO’s. I can guarantee you that you will find stories of serious quirkiness and major oddball wackiness. I bet their parents will say it was all worth it in the end.



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